A Place For Terrible Jokes

[Shawn]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.

"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[Shawn]

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths. He decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo -- beautiful. So he picked up the card and dialed the number.

"Hello?" the woman says.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage. No...wait, I want sex... I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys... do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic... But for an outside line you press 9."

[Shawn]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight

school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.

He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own

construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three

boyfriends."

[Shawn]

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute multimillionaire nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen

[rainbowdemon]

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing $10 dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too? The little girl replied "I will if those useless cunts at Bunnings ever bring us the fucking plasterboard."

[The Hunter]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and

asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,

going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,

cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,

so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon

as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.

It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy

and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[rainbowdemon]

I guess this means I'm a lesbian too!!

:wha':

[Cerebral_Assassin]

I guess this means I'm a lesbian too!!

:wha':

I always tell my wife i'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

[The Hunter]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard

:yup:

[rainbowdemon]

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

[The Hunter]

Actually she got him back real good. Fosters is piss. LOL :rolleyes:

[Shawn]

A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrolably, barely able to breath.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make 'em all ugly, again."

[Cerebral_Assassin]

The Tired Soldier

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[rainbowdemon]

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Good one!!

[rainbowdemon]

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED,

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP [70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.

He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! "

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?", she asked.

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang he doorbell didn't I?"

[The Hunter]

If she took a picture of me I will cut her off. :rolleyes:

[rainbowdemon]

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

[Shawn]

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather sexy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

[MrBag]

Hey! Im hung like Einstien, and as smart as a horse

Edited September 3, 2005 by MrBag

[MrBag]

Doctor to patient...I have some good news and i have some bad news. the bad news is, I have to amputee both your feet... the good news is,the guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your shoes.........

[rainbowdemon]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Shawn]

Top Sixteen Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

16. We're working on that smell thing, too.

15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14. As seen on *COPS*.

13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.

12. Not just for nooners anymore.

11. We left off the 9, but you know it's what we mean...

10. You rented the room, now we'll sell you the video!

9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.

8. We'll just leave the Lysol there for ya!

7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*!

5. It's Hookerriffic!

4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother.

And The Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan:

1. We put the *Ho* in *Motel*.

[Shawn]

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[Shawn]

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother.

The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!"

The mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[DudeAsInCool]

What does Bush think of the Roe Versus Wade decision?

He thinks it was probably more appropriate for those who were left behind in New Orleans