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Shawn

A Place For Terrible Jokes

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A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine. "Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman.

"How many cows will you be milking?" "Just one," says the farmer. "Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards." I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly. "Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.

The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"

"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."

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Woman goes to her doctor and says "Doc, I think I am pregnant, but I don't know how."

Her doctor, somewhat surprised, asked her "What do you mean, you don't know how you get pregnant?"

"No, I know how you get pregnant, I just don't know how I could be pregnant," she replied. "You see, my boyfriend is really into anal sex, and that's all we ever do. How can I get pregant from anal sex?"

"Where did you think lawyers come from?"

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There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a

hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole,

the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard

work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are

putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your

partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a

three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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Three guys are golfing and a funeral procession goes by. Suddenly one of them stops, takes off his hat and holds it over his heart as the funeral passes by.

"Wow!" says one guy to the other. "Look how respectful Bill is!'

"He sure is," said the other. "I've never seen him stop golfing for anything before now."

"Yup" says Bill, with a tear in his eye. "We were married for 30 years."

-- ----------------------------------

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

If you dump a load in a washing machine, it doesn't call you every day for the next month.

Edited by CTC Command

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A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"

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Latest joke from UK.

If your wife gets into bed wearing a GREECE jersey, what

is she trying to tell you?

There is NO fucking way you are SCORING TONIGHT!

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If your wife gets into bed wearing a GREECE jersey, what

is she trying to tell you?

There is NO fucking way you are SCORING TONIGHT!

...Or perhaps she just wants you to 'go down' at the slightest oppurtunity? ;) :P :lol:

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If your wife gets into bed wearing a GREECE jersey, what

is she trying to tell you?

There is NO fucking way you are SCORING TONIGHT!

...Or perhaps she just wants you to 'go down' at the slightest oppurtunity? ;) :P :lol:

:rofl: :good job:

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How to be a real playa!

One evening Mike went over to his friend

Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it

up. When he looked across the table he

saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on.

He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise

Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you

like what you saw?" Mike said yes I did. She said, "Well you can get more

than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about

this financial situation and said O.K. She said come here

tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then. Mike

said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?" She said,

thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

> > Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this

morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would

leave it with you." NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA!!!

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How to be a real playa!

One evening Mike went over to his friend

Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it

up. When he looked across the table he

saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on.

He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise

Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you

like what you saw?" Mike said yes I did. She said, "Well you can get more

than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about

this financial situation and said O.K. She said come here

tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then. Mike

said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?" She said,

thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

> > Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this

morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would

leave it with you." NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA!!!

Nice!!

:rofl:

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Want to hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in the mud!!

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There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The

Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they

knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to

side and say, "Tick - Tock", over and over.

After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling

all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things

that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way

cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying,

"Tick...Tick.. Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you

iss so schmart! But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

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>>> Monday Morning Call in Sick

>>> >

>>> > A man calls his boss one morning and tells him that he is staying

>>> > home because he's not feeling well.

>>> >

>>> > "What's the matter?", the boss asks.

>>> >

>>> > "I have a case of anal glaucoma," he says in a weak voice.

>>> >

>>> > "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?"

>>> >

>>> > "Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today. "

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A man gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is

heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud

scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into

the bathroom to investigate why the man is screaming. "What's all

the screaming about inthere? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just

sitting here on the comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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>A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and > >feels pretty good about the results. > >On her way home, she stops at a news >stand to buy a newspaper. Before >leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you >don't mind my asking, but how old do you >think I am?" > >"About 32," is the >reply. > >"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily. > >A little while later >she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the >very same question. > > >She replies, "I guess about 29." > >"Nope, I'm 47." > >Now, she's feeling >really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on >her way down the >street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks >the clerk this >burning question. > >The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." > >Again she ! proudly >responds, "I am 47, but, thank you." > >While waiting for the bus to go home, >she asks an old man the same question. > >He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my >eye sight is going. Although, when I was >young, there was a sure way to tell >how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, > but it requires you to let me >put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell >you exactly how old you are." > > >They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of > >her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." > >He slips both of >his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to >feel around very >slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she >says, "Okay, >okay,...how old am >I?" > >He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, >removes his hands, and says, >"Madam, you are 47." > >Stunned and amazed, the woman >says, "That was incredible, how could you >tell?" > >The old man replies, >"Promise you won't get mad?" > >"No", she says. > >He replies, "I was behind >you in line at McDonald's." > >

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Disgracing family

>>A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said:

>>"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.

>>He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like

>>that, but don't let Him do that.

>>He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to

>>like that but don't let him do that.

>>But most important, he is going to try and get on top of

>>you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but

>>don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

>>With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her

>>date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just

>>like she had predicted:

>>Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he

>>tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced

>>HIS family..."

>>Granny fainted

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>>> > A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer

>>> > lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range

>>> > from

>>> > $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts

>>> > for

>>> > the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

>>> > He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and

>>> > model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, I have an idea. It's

>>> > so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the

>>> > modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for

>>> > myself

>>> >

>>> > So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

>>> >

>>> > The husband says, 'Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at

>>> > least iron it.'

>>> >

>>> > He never heard the shot.

>>> >

>>> > Funeral services are pending.

>>> >

>>> >

>>> >

>>> > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * *

>>> >

>>> > A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple

>>> > bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

>>> > Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

>>> >

>>> > Well, the man says, It's like this; I was playing a

>>> > quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both

>>> > sliced

>>> > our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I

>>> > was

>>> > rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its

>>> > rear

>>> > end.

>>> >

>>> > I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf

>>> > ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the

>>> > cow's

>>> > butt. That's when I made my big mistake

>>> >

>>> > "What did you do?" the doctor asks.

>>> >

>>> > Well. the man replies, I lifted the cow's tail and

>>> > yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember

>>> > much after that."

>>> >

>>> >

>>> > ***************************************

>>> >

>>> >

>>> > A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of

>>> > breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that

>>> > said, This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife poked her

>>> > husband in he ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

>>> >

>>> > They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,

>>> > This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife hit her husband and

>>> > said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

>>> >

>>> > They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,

>>> > This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife got really

>>> > excited and said, that's once a day. "You could REALLY learn something

>>> > from this one"

>>> >

>>> > The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was

>>> > with the same cow."

>>> >

>>> > The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and

>>> > he is expected to make a full recovery.

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A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

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 SO THIS IS LIFE

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door > > of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will > > give you a life span of twenty years. " > > > > The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and > > I'll give you back the other ten. " So God agreed. > > > > On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, > > do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life > > span. " > > > > The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't > > think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay? " > > And God agreed. > > > > On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the > > field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have > > calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life > > span of sixty years. " > > > > The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for > > sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty. " > > And God agreed again. > > > > On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry > > and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years. " > > > > Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, > > and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and > > the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay? " > > > > "Okay, " said God, "You've got a deal. " > > > > So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy > > ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our > > family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the > > grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and > > bark at everyone. > > > > Life has now been explained to you.

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ubject: FW: A Blond Joke

>A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I

>would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her

>that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several

>patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

>

>

>Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then Asks

>what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen

>inches."

>

>"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what

>room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room,

>they are for her computer monitor.

>

>

>The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need

>curtains!"

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There was this new bar in town that everyone was talking about because it had a robot-bartender. A man walks in to see this for himself. He sits at the bar and sure enough, a robot was bartending.

The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is.

The man replies that his IQ is 150.

So the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere. The man is amazed. He has to see how good this robot really is. He leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar.

Again, the robot asks him for his IQ.

This time the man replies "100."

So the robot discusses football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

The man leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50.

The robot replies: "So, voting Bush?"

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