A Place For Terrible Jokes

[Shawn]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH, NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, crying quietly.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[rainbowdemon]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[Excrement_Cranium]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident". "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks... ''How many is a Brazillion ??!"

[asley]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.

Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.

Abe replies, "My advice is, do something relaxing. Go see a play!"

_____________________________________________________

heh heh just thought I'd make a fun entrance. Hiya all! :smokin:

[MrBag]

Doctor to patient:"Mr Smith, you have 5 months to live.".... Patient," Doc. is there anything i could do"?.... Doctor:" you could start taking mud baths"... Patient;" Mud baths"?... Doctor: " It will get you use to the dirt."

[rainbowdemon]

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING DEAD!"

[DudeAsInCool]

Eden

Once upon a time, a young man kneeled and asked a beautiful girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and playing golf a lot while drinking beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

[MrBag]

What do you call a Psychic midget who just broke out of jail............................... A Small Medium at Large

[method77]

Eden

Once upon a time, a young man kneeled and asked a beautiful girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and playing golf a lot while drinking beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

[rainbowdemon]

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

[Warflower]

6th grade poetry class comes in for their lesson the hour goes by real fast and the bell rings, the teacher shouts "Wait a minute! I want all of you to go home and write a poem and bring it to class tomorrow morning and read it...the poem must end with the word TIMBUKTU." "AWWWW"..they leave.

Next day...kids come in. Teacher says, "ok, who wants to go first...how about you Brad (teacher's pet)"..so Brad stands up..and recites" SWIRLING MOON, SHINING SAND, TRAVELING DESERT CARAVAN, ONE BY ONE, TWO BY TWO, DESTINATION...TIMBUKTU". The class goes crazy...clapping...wooooowww. Teacher smiles and winks.."very very good Brad"..."ok, who's next?" There's Butch in the back of the class, he stands, tucks his shirt in and says: "ME AND TIM WERE ON A HUNT, LOOKING FOR A LITTLE C _ _ T WE SAW THREE WHORES BY A TENT, WE OPENED THE FLAP AND IN WE WENT, SINCE THEY WERE THREE AND WE ONLY TWO, I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUK(ed)TU" :D

[Lord_of_the_Dense]

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he

hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.

Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen!

Fourteen!"

[The Hunter]

Indian Names

Subject: What's in a name................

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the

tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bob, Don, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was conceived, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was conceived on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, LittleBroken Condom Made in China?

Edited October 22, 2005 by The Hunter

[rainbowdemon]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL". He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

[moodyblue]

[rainbowdemon]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome... and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

[DudeAsInCool]

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU..

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU..

I WILL LICK YOU TOE TO TOE

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED

WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE ,

THE FLU

Now get your mind out of the gutter....

And get your flu shot!!!!!!

[rainbowdemon]

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it".

The little girl explained, "Well... Okay... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes and the Daddy's thingy sort of stands up. Then the Mummy puts it in her mouth and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies... that's how you get jewellery...!"

[moodyblue]

NEVER TICK OFF A TEXAS WOMAN...

An East Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and rejection, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vise, secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenters saw. The banged up cowboy was terrified and hollered, "Stop, stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a glem of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said "Nope. I'm going to set this shed on fire and go to town for a beer. You do whatever you want!!!"

[Lord_of_the_Dense]

A woman sends her clothing out to the dry cleaners. When it came back there are still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, 'Use more soap on panties.'

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. 'Use more soap on panties.'

Finally fed up the man responded with his own note that said, 'Use more paper on ass!!!!!!!!!!!'

[moodyblue]

THE LITTLE OLD LADY..

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plactic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once and a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.." "Damn!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs upto the parking lot of the football stadium. Each thime there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughes the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up..."

[rainbowdemon]

Not exactly politically correct, but it's very funny!!

A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"

[Amber]

Sounds of the Wild

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

:rotfl:

[rainbowdemon]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

[rainbowdemon]

An upset woman storms into the golf pro shop and says to the clerk, "I was just golfing on your course and I was stung by a bee right in between the first and second holes. What do you suggest I do?" The clerk says, "Well for starters lady I'd suggest you narrow your stance a bit."