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BLACK LIVES MATTER! ×
BLACK LIVES MATTER!

A Place For Terrible Jokes


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A Scotsman and a young lady are waiting for a bus.

The girl says, "What do you Scots wear under your kilts?"

The Scot says, "Why doon't you put your hand up it and find out?"

She sticks her hand up his kilt and immediately withdraws, shocked.

"It's GRUESOME!!", she exclaims.

The Scot replies, "Aye, and it'll GREW some more if you put your hand back up there!!"

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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm making sweet love to her."

The boss says, "You have sex with your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

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There was a blonde that lived next to a brunette. One day, the blonde was crying so the brunette went over and asked what was wrong. The blonde said, "My mom just died." So the brunette comforted her all day.

The next day the blonde was crying again, so the brunette went over and asked, "Whats wrong now" the blonde said "My sister just called... Her mom died too."

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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story, too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

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A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".

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THE BLACK BOX

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of

drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of Nebraska, Ohio, Iowa, Minnesota, Kansas, Texas and South Dakota were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

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Only the states of Nebraska, Ohio, Iowa, Minnesota, Kansas, Texas and South Dakota were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

West Virginia too!!

:D

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Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing

an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and

is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods

him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

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2004 Blonde's Year In Review...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capitol of California was answered "C"

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.

9. Baked a turkey for several days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds".

14. What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? - - A blonde at a flashing red light.

15. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down.

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it

reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an

announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your

captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New

York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we

should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and

relax... OH, MY GOD!" ----- Silence -----followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

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Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John

won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant. The attractive waitress asks VP Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?" "Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "how rude. You're starting to act like former President Clinton!!"

As the waitress storms away, VP Cheney leans over to President Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00. Court Costs: $45.00. The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS!

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This isn't really a joke, but it's a great story!!

Thinking "Out of the Box" many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers. What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

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Redneck MaMa

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW', the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep, they are all mine", the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

This one's my oldest- he is Leroy

"Ok, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the oldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes- it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell. 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin"

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

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Thin Ice... but not as bad as you think.

What do you call a black guy that flys an Airplane?

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A PILOT YOU F&*%ING RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A man is walking down the street saying the most terrible things

about Italians to his friend. He blames the Italians for

everything, the dark ages, the black death, WW1, WW2, problems

in the Catholic Church, poverty, the Vietnam war, famine in

Africa and so on. He is cursing the Italians in the vilest

language.

Upon turning the corner they spot an Italian organ grinder with

a small monkey. The Italian hating man reaches into his pocket,

pulls out a few coins and places them in the cup the monkey

is holding.

"You hate Italians so much. How come you did that?", his

friend asks.

The Italian hater replies, "Oh, I do hate Italians, that's

for sure, but the kids are so cute when they're young."

:rotfl:

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  • 3 weeks later...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very, very closely......

"Are-my-test-results-back?"

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's room, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restroom's don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving.

When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ectasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happended?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR in an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under you pillow."

Men never listen.

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