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Shawn

A Place For Terrible Jokes

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I read the following joke and I could think was that Beatking needed a thread for all of the groaners we get.

---------------------

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "I felt your presents."

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A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?"

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that’s nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I’ve spoiled that woman."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!!!

"You know," he said," you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies... You just happened to catch my eye."

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whats brown and sticky...

a stick.

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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants.

The barman asks: "Is that painful?"

The man replies: "It’s driving me nuts!"

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Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

The one with the little sticker that says "IDAHO."

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A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. Do you know what size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double D."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Eight and five-eighths."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

wow - exciting

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a couple of quick ones...

Q:Why don't cannibals eat clowns???

A: Cause they taste funny

---------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?

A: They both got boys pants 1/2 off

:D

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The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive-and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

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Have you guys heard about those corduroy pillow cases?

They're making Head Lines!

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I went camping with my girlfriend this weekend!

I really enjoyed myself...the sex was in tents!

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Women's Humor

> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

> Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What

> setting do I use on the washing machine?"

>

> "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

>

> He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are

> dumb...

> _______________________

>

> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the

> happiest woman in the world"

>

> The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

> _______________________

>

> "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out

> of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I

> mowed the lawn like this?"

> "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

> _______________________

>

>

> He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to

> you really badly.

>

> She said - Well, you succeeded.

> ______________________

> He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

>

> She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I

> sit on the sofa and fart.

> _______________________

> He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave

> you?

>

> She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

> ______________________

> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

> A: A rumor

> _______________________

>

> A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th

> Wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and

> said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant

> each of them a very special wish.

>

> The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

> Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

>

>

> The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

> Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

> Gotta love that fairy!

> __________________

> AND THE BEST ONE YET...

>

> A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

> * She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

>

> * Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

>

> * Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

>

> * Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

>

> * And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

>

> A PRAYER....

>

>

> Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;

> And Patience for his moods.

> Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

>

> AMEN

>

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A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'm popping out for a while, I'll be back soon..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie? LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER FUCKINGSNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT??" And they lived happily ever after...

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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died. "I froze to death," said the first woman. "You froze to death -- how horrible!" responded the other woman. "Well, it wasn't so bad," continued the first woman. "After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" "I died of a massive heart attack," said the second woman. "I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act but, instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV." "So what happened?" "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died." "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer," said the first woman. "We'd both still be alive."

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Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a

football match in London.

At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the

three Irish buy just one ticket between them.

How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one

of the English.

Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish. They all board the train.

The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into

a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect

the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,"Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in

hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they

decide to copy the Irish on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the turn

trip...

To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all!!

How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed

English.

Watch and learn..." says one Paddy.

When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon

after the three English pile into another nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the

toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

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When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Me respectively.

A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly. Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".

They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.

Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft: A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Polish girl sits down at the table with her mother and after a long pause says "Mom, I think I'm pregnant."

Her mother replies "Don't worry dear. Maybe its not yours."

What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?

About 50 pounds and a black dress.

Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?

So it doesn't explode when you :horny: it.

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Three young women were in a shopping mall. There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They all had to go to the bathroom, so they found one and went in.

As they were going in together, they encountered a shriveled old woman who was hobbling out. "Beware the mirror!" she rasped. "If you look inside and say something truthful, you will receive your hearts fondest desire. However! if you tell a lie... YOU WILL BE SUCKED INSIDE AND ENTER OBLIVION!" Cackling, the old woman hobbled on past. The three women looked at each other and shrugged.

Once inside, the brunette ran to the mirror, looked straight inside, and said, "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in this bathroom!" Immediately a huge bag of money pops out and the ecstatic brunette seizes it and walks out. This inspires the redhead to up to the mirror and says, "I think that I am the most intelligent woman in this bathroom!" Immediately a Mercedes-Benz pops out and she hops in and drives away. The blonde then runs up to the mirror excitedly. She says, "I think--" and she was immediately sucked into the mirror.

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I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, I told him "Doc, I keep having the same 2 dreams night after night after night" he said, "just what are you dreaming about?"

So I said "One night I dream i'm a teepee and the next night I dream i'm a wig-wam"..........he said "there's your problem right there", I said "what?"

and he said "YOU'RE 2 TENTS"!!!!

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A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"

The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".

The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.

"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"

The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"

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A couple of good ol' boys are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eys are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure your friend is really dead." There is a brief silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. "Ok, Now What?"

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An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'I told you he was stupid'

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