A Place For Terrible Jokes

[rainbowdemon]

A British company is developing computer chips that can store music in women's breast implants as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts without listening to them.

[DudeAsInCool]

NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.

Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while

in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and

a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he

believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He

did not identify theman, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying

weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions

by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of

absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as

'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator

of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the

Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to

every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had

wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have

given us more fingers and toes."

[rainbowdemon]

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt, Mom.

[rainbowdemon]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes"

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?”

Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models, I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: $90,000."

Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options."

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $950,000."

Man: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. I not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[rainbowdemon]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually, the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House. The old Texan said, "Well you know, Bush is a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb shit get down!"

[rainbowdemon]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well, Bruce, you are only 10

Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce! instantly replies,

"Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that BRUCE won't have an answer to. After a second, M! r. Smith says,

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says

"Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore

[rainbowdemon]

Hey people be warned.

I don't how many of you shop at Home Depot, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Home Depot here in Houma, LA. and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 25-year-old girls come over as you are loading what you bought in the bed of your truck.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

So please be careful!

[rainbowdemon]

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[rainbowdemon]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."

[rainbowdemon]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

[rainbowdemon]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[rainbowdemon]

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[rainbowdemon]

Man Falls Asleep At Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the

local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my

husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very

embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.

I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will

motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a

good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing

this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the

ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the

hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.

Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is

your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards

Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.

Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not

notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few

motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her

husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore

him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that

goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half

and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Shawn]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

[Shawn]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[Shawn]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?"

Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

[Shawn]

Even I had to laugh at this convoluted monstrosity.

--

A Czechoslovakian family moves into a new neighborhood in the big city. Their son, a strapping young Czechoslovakian lad, has trouble fitting in and is routinely beat up and picked on by other kids. The boy decides that the only way he can gain respect in his new neighborhood is to join one of the local gangs.

The Czechoslovakian boy discovers that the largest and toughest gang in the neighborhood is the Jewish gang. The boy approaches the gang asking to join, since being a member of such a big gang would give him the most protection and respect. The Jewish kids are leery about letting a non-Jew join their gang, but the Czechoslovakian kid persists.

Finally, the two leaders of the Jewish gang tell the Czechoslovakian kid that if he really wants to be a member of their gang, to meet them at the zoo at midnight. At midnight, the two Jewish gang members take the Czechoslovakian kid to the polar bear cage and tell him that he only has to pass one test to become a member of their gang. He must scale the fence, run through the cage, grab the polar bears food on the oppostie wall, and run back out.

The Czechoslovakian boy agrees and scales the fence, runs through the cage, grabs the food, and begins to run toward the Jewish boys, when suddenly the polar bears wake up and maul the Czechoslovakian boy. The two Jewish boys watch in horror as one of the two polar bears then devours the Czechoslovakian boy. In a panic, the Jewish gang members call the police.

After explaining their story to the police, an officer asks the Jewish boys which one of the polar bears ate the Czechoslovakian boy, the male bear or the female bear. Both Jewish boys insist that it was the male bear that ate the Czechoslovakian boy. The police then shoot the male polar bear and cut open it's stomach only to find that it is empty.

The moral of the story:

Never believe a Jewish guy when he tells you the Czech is in the male.

[rainbowdemon]

[Shawn]

Mick Jagger was invited to a party at the Playboy mansion. He arrived early, and no one was around. He started walking inside the mansion looking for Hefner. He kept looking, and looking, but he could not find him anywhere.

Finally, after about a 1/2 hour of looking, he heard a noise through a door. Mick opened the door and saw Hugh Hefner butt fucking Dennis Weaver....shocked, Mick yelled out, "Hey, Hugh, get off McCloud."

[Shawn]

The New Orleans zoo has a problem with their female gorilla. She has become incresingly aggressive and somewhat violent. The animal handlers finally figured out that she needs to have sex. She is ready to mate.

The zoo starts calling around the country trying to find a male gorilla to bring in to handle the task. PETA jumps in and says that it is wrong to expect a male gorilla to perform after flying cross country and stuffed into a cage with a female he is not familiar with.

So the New Orleans zoo puts an ad in the paper that says they are willing to pay $1,000 to any New Orleans man willing to please a female gorilla.

Next moring good old Boudreaux walks into the zoo and announces that he is only here for the money, and the only way he is gonna please this gorilla is if you put a paper bag over her head.

PETA freaks out and says that it is wrong to put a bag on this female gorillas head. It is animal cruelty. Boudreaux says it is the only way its gonna happen. So they say okay and they shoot the gorilla with a tranquilizer and run in and put a bag over her head. As she wakes up they push Boudreaux off into the cage.

The gorilla immediately smells him and throws poor boudreaux up against the bars and she backs into him and starts riding him very hard against the cage. Boudreaux keeps screaming "Oh My God, Help Me!"

The gorilla then grabs him and body slams him on the ground. She straddles Boudreaux and just starts riding him and beating his head on the ground at the same time. Poor Boudreaux screaming "OH JESUS, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!"

So the animal handlers shoot the gorilla with a dart and she falls off Boudreaux. Boudreaux jumps up and says " WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" The handlers said "You said to get it off so we shot her with a dart."

Boudreaux screams "I MEANT THE BROWN BAG, GET IT OFF, I WANT TO KISS THE BITCH!"

[Shawn]

I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul," it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music.

Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.

[Shawn]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and

then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to

another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to

think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was

thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home.

One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of

life. She spent the night at her mother's. I began to think on the

job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't

stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read

Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused,

asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it

hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If

you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my

conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking . . . "

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But, Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said,

lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor, and

college professors don't make any money. So if you keep on thinking,

we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears

of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the

emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped

out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some

Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and

ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was

closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that

night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a

poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably

recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous

poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I

never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational

video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about

how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just

seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the

road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I registered to vote as a Republican.

[Shawn]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into

bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with

an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of

his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are

you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,

and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too

young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as

a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being

a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and

relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,

really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end

was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he

said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to

explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going

on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and

then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again

and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet

another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he

heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over

the bed!"

[Shawn]

There's only 10 kinds of people:

those who understand binary, and those who don't

[Shawn]

Now days I'm not sure if this is a joke or not.

---

Children are playing in the playground and then they come in to class.

Teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing

this playtime?"

Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box".

"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell "sand" on the

blackboard, I will give you a biscuit".

Becky duly goes and writes "sand" on the blackboard.

Teacher then says "Hello Freddie, and what have you been doing in

your playtime?

Freddie replies "Playing with Becky in the sand box".

"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,

I will give you a biscuit".

Freddie duly goes and writes "box" on the blackboard.

Teacher then says "Hello Mohammed. Have you been playing in the sand box

with Becky and Freddie?"

"No" replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me.

Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me".

"Oh dear" said the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial

discrimination. I tell you what, if you can spell blatant racial

discrimination I will give you a biscuit".