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BLACK LIVES MATTER! ×
BLACK LIVES MATTER!

A Place For Terrible Jokes


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A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the Pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!"

"It was my fisrt day with the hook."

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  • 1 month later...

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: " I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, It's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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>A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I

>would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her

>that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several

>patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

>

>

>Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then Asks

>what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen

>inches."

>

>"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what

>room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room,

>they are for her computer monitor.

>

>

>The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need

>curtains!"

>

>

>

>

>The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows!"

>

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>> > A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer

>>> > lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range

>>> > from

>>> > $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts

>>> > for

>>> > the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

>>> > He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and

>>> > model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, I have an idea. It's

>>> > so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the

>>> > modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for

>>> > myself

>>> >

>>> > So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

>>> >

>>> > The husband says, 'Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at

>>> > least iron it.'

>>> >

>>> > He never heard the shot.

>>> >

>>> > Funeral services are pending.

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>>>************************************************************

>>>"The Picture"

>>>

>>>After a long night of making love, a certain Carlisle Romeo notices a

>>>photo of another man

>>> >on his new flame's night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is

>>> this your husband?"

>>>he nervously asks.

>>>"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

>>>"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

>>>"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

>>>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

>>>"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

>>>"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!!???" he demands.

>>>"That's me before the surgery."

>>>***************************************

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How is this for corny? :lol:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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The creation of pets/Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

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Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

The one with the little sticker that says "IDAHO."

LOL I like this one. :)

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I went camping with my girlfriend this weekend!

I really enjoyed myself...the sex was in tents!

Eh that ones really bad. <_>

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When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Me respectively.

A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly. Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".

They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.

Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft: A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!

LMAO!!!! :lol::o :bigsmile: :P :rolleyes: :) :good job: :rofl: :rotfl:

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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

ROFLMAO

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There was a man named George who got a new job.

His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.

George replied that he would love to meet them, but he might be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.

He golfed right handed and won the round.

Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again.

He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided t o ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob, were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob "Bob, it's been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex..."

Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying "Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a "prostitute", and give her a bloody good seeing to..." And Thor did, and he saw that this was good.

The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..."

"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologise this instant!". So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?!" Shouted the girl. "YOU'RE THOR?!?... I CAN'T EVEN PITH!!!"

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hearts and minds.......

post-81-1100239240.jpg

Edited by kiwibank
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  • 2 weeks later...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins Are Coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then, she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident.' I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?" The student replied, "BIG ones."

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A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

*The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

*The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

*The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

*The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

*The first worm in alcohol - dead.

*Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

*Third worm in sperm - dead.

*Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms."

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze politician."

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Koop was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob, were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob "Bob, it's been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex..."

Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying "Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a "prostitute", and give her a bloody good seeing to..." And Thor did, and he saw that this was good.

The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..."

"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologise this instant!". So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?!" Shouted the girl. "YOU'RE THOR?!?... I CAN'T EVEN PITH!!!"

http://www.rathergood.com/val_halal/

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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then

starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man

says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer

it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

You might be a redneck if you can french

kiss with a toothpick in your mouth

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Uncle Jack and Aunty Mable

Fainted at the breakfast table.

Let this be an awful warning

Not to do it in the morning.

Ovaltine has put them right

Now they do it morn and night

Uncle Jack is hoping soon

To do it in the afternoon.

Hark the herald angels sing

Ovaltine is a damned good thing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the athroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache" he replies "Perfect!! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "

***

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My wife she is a hooker,

Of this she's mighty proud,

And the stories of her exploits,

Are legends in our town,

She's shameless with her talents,

She'll go hooking anywhere,

And if people want to watch her,

She really doesnt't care,

It seems to be a family thing,

Her mother taught her how,

Seems her grandma was a hooker,

And my daughters hooking now,

She goes to hookers meetings,

To learn the new techniques,

She starts hooking in a frenzy,

And won't talk to me for weeks,

She doesn't do the housework,

She doesn't make the beds,

No she doen't have time for that,

She'd rather hook instead,

My wife she is a hooker,

And I curse that awful day,

When she first picked up the hook and yarn,

And learned how to crochet

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

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I've been to the U.S. Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to filled out.

She wrote down my personal information and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

A Fottle"

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?" "A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.

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