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Shawn

A Place For Terrible Jokes

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The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news." Linda asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."

"And the bad news?" Linda asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being

a natural bitch."

"Right lad," said the sergeant in the recruiting office, "what's your name?" "McCoy, sergeant." "And what was your civvy job?" "I was a cork socker, sergeant." "A cork socker? What's that?" "Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me." "Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up. "Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?" "I was a coke soaker, sergeant." "A coke soaker? What's that?" "Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me." "Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up. "Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?" "I was a sock tucker, sergeant." "A sock tucker? What's that?" "Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me." "Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up. "Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?" "None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Blonde" Eve walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." Eve then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work. Her boss asks,"What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." The boss asks, "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two Chocolate ice cream bars, two cups of coffee and a few pickles, because I hate lukewarm pickles in my sandwich."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

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Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

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A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

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For RBD

---

This guy walks into a bar in Ohio and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "WINE?! You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

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Sarah, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir. How are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree." he answered, continuing to read.

Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL". He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

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A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers . .

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

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A guy is sitting around with his buddies. Buddy #1 asks what he got for xmas. The guy replies a sweater... . Buddy #2 says "well that was nice"

The guy spouts "yes but I was wanting a screamer or moaner" :lol:

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A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers . .

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

very funny.....just sent this to a mate of mine who is a reporter and is always making spelling mistakes because he refuses to use spellcheck..... :lol:

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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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A Canadian story for Shawn and The Hunter.

:lol:

A Canadian guy walks into a bar on a remote Greek island, and the barmaid takes his order, a Molson, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get talking and she tells him she's Canadian too.

At the end of the evening Joe asks Darlene if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Darlene is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night Joe turns up again, orders a Molson and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Darlene remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night Joe comes in, orders his Molson and sits in the corner. Darlene thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from and he tells her: "Calgary".

"So am I...Where in Calgary?"

Montgomery" he replies.

That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

McCleod Street" he replies.

This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?" He says "2460" and she is totally astonished. Whoa - You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 2475! - My parents still live there!"

I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

'You were speeding,' the cop said. 'I'm going to have to give you a ticket.'

'Yep,' the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

'These flies are terrible,' the trooper complained.

'Yep,' the farmer said. 'Those are circle flies.'

'What's a circle fly?' asked the trooper.

'Them flies that circle a horse's ass,' answered the farmer. 'Them are circle flies.'

'You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?' The trooper angrily asked.

'Nope, I didn't,' the farmer replied. 'But you just can't fool them flies.

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A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a "big-everything-under-the-roof-department-store" looking for a job.

The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!!, Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook, Then I sold him a medium fish hook, Then I sold him a larger fish hook, Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would

pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!!!"

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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him pick a number from one to ten and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed eight. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed two this time and again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was three. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he don't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it ain't rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

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A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a

man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would

have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event

in the world, and not use it?"

The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was

supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first

Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married ."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find

someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take

the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

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While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along on his horse with a dog and a sheep. He began a conversation:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar

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Monica walks into the cleaners with her blue dress. "Clean and press this dress please." The old man behind the counter cups his ear and asks "Come again?" Monica stoically replies "No it's mustard this time."

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An Indian guide was hired by some hunters from Massachusetts to lead them on a moose hunting trip in Northern Maine. One of the guys was skeptical hat the guide could locate moose, but the hunter who hired him assured his friend that he was highly recommended by the locals in the area. On the first morning of the trip, the group set out, led by the Indian guide. They were not on the move for more than twenty minutes when suddenly the guide stopped dead in his tracks, put his ear to the ground and didn't move for about 2 minutes. Then he solemnly rose to his feet while wiping his ear and announced, "Moose come!". The hunter who originally doubted the guide's ability was truly amazed. He asked the guide, "You can hear the moose coming?". The Indian looked at him and said, "No, sticky ear!!"

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A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, ''Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!''

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

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A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.'

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.'

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