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BLACK LIVES MATTER! ×
BLACK LIVES MATTER!

A Place For Terrible Jokes


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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek says: "Well, we have the Parthenon, you know."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies: "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts: "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian nods agreement, but says: "But we built the Roman Empire!"

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he is sure will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says: "We Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly: "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

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I'm too young. Ask Joe.

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An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man

standing in a clearing. The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

post-4-1156478930.gif

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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and lovekids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A similar new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

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My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

His brain is his second favorite organ.

***

A church is a place in which (ladies and) gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

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Sexual urges of men and women

"I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2008 but godammit it was worth it."

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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"

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A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

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First, let me apologize now for the following:

Steve Irwin was asked what his fondest childhood memory was.

He replied: "Thunderbirds was a favourite but there will always be a place in my heart for Stingray."

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Email from God

About two weeks ago, God was looking down at Earth

and saw all of the repulsive behavior that was going

on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel

to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on

Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5%

who were being good because he wanted to encourage

them...give them a little something to help them keep

going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either

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There was a guy who worked at a dildo store, and it was his first day on the job. At about 12, the boss wanted to go out for lunch, so he said to the new guy, "I'm going out for lunch. I'm going to review the prices with you so that you won't make a bad sale. Now this is our 9-inch white dildo. It's fifteen dollars."

The new guy says, "Nine inch white, 15 bucks. Got it."

"This is the 11-inch black dildo. It's 25 dollars."

"Eleven inch black, 25 bucks. Got it." So the boss leaves.

A few minutes later, a very elegantly dressed woman walks in. "How much is that dildo there?" she asks the guy.

"Ah, that's our nine inch white dildo, and it sells for 15 dollars."

"What about that black one there?"

"That's our eleven inch black, it goes for about 25 dollars."

"And how much for the plaid one over there?"

"Oh, that's the 12 inch plaid dildo. It's...50 dollars."

The woman looks at the selection again, and decides to buy the plaid. The guy wraps it for her, and she leaves.

A few minutes later, the boss comes back from lunch. "How'd you do?" he asks the guy.

"Oh, great! I got fifty bucks for my thermos!"

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 km's per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking!"

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An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her

period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to

you?

I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and

distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps

out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take

charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath a Ferrari a beach house, 2

retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000

bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on

the man's shoulder and tells him, "You screw her again."

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition is stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noonone day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

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Okay screw it, I'm going for it. This is one of the most famous jokes out there and most comics do have their own version of it. Sarah Silverman's version resulted in a lawsuit against her.

Forgive me for proudly presenting:

---------

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The father says, "OK, here's how it goes. My wife and I walk onto the stage first. I'm dressed in a three-piece suit and my wife's in a beautiful white gown. I've got three bowling pins in my hands. I start juggling the bowling pins, while she's standing there looking beautiful. Then I throw the bowling pins down and tear off my suit. I'm wearing a black G-string under my suit, my wife sees this, and starts to try and cover me up, but I grab her and throw her against the wall. I tear the gown off of her and strip her down to nothing. I hold her down and fuck her until my son runs in and yells at me to stop. I stop, my son shoves me out of the way and goes to work on his mom. My daughter comes out, she's got three more bowling pins. She proceeds to beat my son over the head with them, until I grab her and shove one of the bowling pins halfway into her. My son's bleeding from the back of the head, but he's still going strong. I pick my daughter up and hold her up by the bowling pin, then start spinning her around. Meanwhile my wife's trying to push my son away, but he knocks her out cold with the bowling pin, then flips her around and starts doing her in the ass. I've got my daughter up in the air, spinning her like a plate, when the dog comes on stage. He climbs on top of my son and starts fucking his ass. I put my daughter down and hand her a strap-on, and she gets to work on the dog, while I'm fucking her from behind. So my son's fucking my wife, the dog's fucking my son, my daughter's fucking the dog, and I'm fucking my daughter. Grandma comes out and sees all of this, her old stomach can't take it, and she vomits all over the place. By this point my daughter's stopped fucking the dog, and I'm eating her out. I smell the vomit, and I vomit right into my daughter. The dog's ass is bleeding, and he takes a shit right on stage. Then my daughter shits, my son shits, my wife shits, I shit, and the stage is covered with shit. It's like a flood of shit. The flood's so big, it would make a New Orleans native have a relapse. My wife jumps into the crowd and clears out a bunch of people in the first few rows, as my son, my daughter, and I grab Grandma. We throw her forward, she slides through the shit like a slip and slide, and falls into the area where my wife cleared the people from. My wife comes back on stage, and we all bow.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

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Pittsburgh girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given

their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Connecticut, and bragged

that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He

said that it took a couple of days, but on the 3rd day he came home to

a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Iowa. He bragged that he

had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking.

He

said he did not see any results the first day, the second day things

were a little better, but by the 3rd day the house was clean, the

dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table

The third man had married a girl from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house

cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and she was to have

hot meals on the table for every meal. He said that the first day he

didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything. By the

3rd day, the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of

his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the

dishwasher, and phone a landscaper.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that.'"

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  • 3 weeks later...

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

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The Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top.

Th brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered....."YEAH, BUT YOUE'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

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  • 4 weeks later...

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is stretched back enjoying a cigarette

with a very satisfied smile across his face.

The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated.

The egg sighs and says, "Guess we answered that question."

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