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A Place For Terrible Jokes


Shawn

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

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Neutron walks into a bar, asks how much. Bartender says for you NO CHARGE!

An electron follows him in. "I deserve a free drink too!"

"Are you sure?" asks the barman.

"I'm positive."

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When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we’ve been together.”

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

Via Reddit:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

***

I broke my G-string while fingering a minor.

***

Do you know the gay version of this joke?

It starts off with G, C and E walking into a bar and have a major triad as so, do, mi.

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Bad jokes I saw on Twitter :lol:

small red bit of road goes into a bar, all goes quiet, barman gives free drink. Mate whispers to me "he's a cycle path"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

What do you do when you see a space-man? Park in it maaaaan.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Love that joke!!

A man goes into a bar with a slab of asphalt. Says to the barman, I'll have one for me and one for the road..

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. - I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

in pet shop I said "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, I don't care what star sign it is

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  • 3 weeks later...

Found on Twitter via NY Times Tech Guru Pogue:

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but they canned me because I couldn't concentrate.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Reddit has posted a thread on the "Best Worst Jokes"

Samples:

My wife says picking my nose is disgusting. So now I have to do it myself.

***

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's this really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...

***

What's the hardest thing about roller-blading? Telling your parents that you're gay.

***

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’ Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’ S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

***

Two atoms run into each other. The first says: "Oh no, I've lost my electron!" The second says: "Are you sure?" The first says: "I'm Positive!"

***

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

***

Q: Why don't people tell jokes about Jonestown? A: The punchline is too long.

Q: Why did the Heaven's Gate cult commit ritual suicide? A: Just trying to keep up with the Jones'.

***

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

Read the rest HERE

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  • 4 weeks later...

Lifted from Reddit:

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What illness did cured ham have?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do practice?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

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  • 3 weeks later...

"]Via Dadcentric[/u]

APRIL 08, 2009

Po-tate-o, Po-tat-o

"Look at that dumb fuck, Daddy," said my 3-year-old from his car seat.

"Where?" I asked. There were quite a few around us, he could have been talking about any of them.

"The white one," he continued.

That narrowed it down. There was only one that fit that description.

"That dumb fuck is dirty," he said. "Why is that dumb fuck so dirty?"

It was a good question, a question a child might ask, but not a childish question.

"Some are dirtier than others," I replied. "It comes with the territory."

We were sitting outside Starbucks waiting for my wife. We were passing the time the way men do, talking about our feelings and cursing a little- some of us more than others.

"Do you like dumb fucks, Daddy?" he asked. It had an added air of the rhetorical.

"I don't like being too close to them," I answered. "They are pretty fun to watch, though."

My wife returned with our coffee and took a seat in the car.

"Mommy, did you see all the dumb fucks?"

I knew that she had.

"Honey," she said with a straight face. "They're called dump trucks."

"Dumb fucks," he repeated.

"Exactly," I told him, and we sipped our coffee as he watched the last one rumble past.

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Why are you snapping your fingers?"

"To keep the elephants away."

"Um, I don't see any elephants."

"See? It works."

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  • 1 month later...

A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a million dollars? She reflects for a few moments and then answers that she would. “So,” he says, “would you have sex with me for $50?” Indignantly, she exclaims, “What kind of a woman do you think I am?” He replies: “We’ve already established that. Now we’re just haggling about the price.”

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  • 3 weeks later...

Jack Off

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasnt making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, Im going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

via GolMao.com

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  • 4 weeks later...

Lady walks into an ice cream parlor on a hot day.

"I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream", she says.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we've had a run on chocolate in this weather and we just ran out. We've got 30 other flavours, so please pick one of them." replied the clerk.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have a quart of chocolate then."

"Ma'am, perhaps you didn't hear me. We are completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I'll be happy to sell you another flavour."

"Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then."

The clerk has had enough at this point and asks, "Listen, lady, spell the 'VAN' in 'vanilla'."

The lady is puzzled, but replies "V-A-N".

"OK, now spell the 'STRAW' in 'strawberry'. he says.

She slowly replies, "S-T-R-A-W", still not sure what he's up to.

"OK, now spell the "FUCK" in 'chocolate'."

She looks at him and says, "There's no 'fuck' in chocolate!'

He shouts back, "That's what I'm tryin to tell you, lady!"

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The Coolidge Effect (via wikipedia)

The term comes from an old joke, according to which President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.

"Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge," pointedly replied the First Lady.

The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, "Does each rooster service the same hen each time?"

"No," replied the farmer, "there are many hens for each rooster."

"Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," replied the President.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A sampling from the Groaner Thread @ Reddit

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you? - A stick!

What's long brown and sticky? - A stick!

How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree? - She paints her toe nails red!

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? - Works fuckin' well huh?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? - Russel

What do you call the same man in the middle of a lake? - Bob

What do you call a woman with only one leg? -Eileen

What do you call an asian woman with only one leg? -Irene

What do you call a cow with only two legs? -Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? -Ground beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes? -No-eye-deer (sounds like no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? -Still-no-eye-deer.

So, I thought about going as a ghost for Halloween, but I figured meh, I'll kill myself next year.

So there was a shooting at the Gap... There were many casualtees.

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