Offensive Jokes

[Guest .::BeatFactory::.]

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly.

According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's

ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?"

"And, Mike," she continued, "Do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?"

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "There's that blow job I was promising you."

[rainbowdemon]

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A MOSQUITO

A: A MOSQUITO STOPS SUCKING AFTER YOU SLAP IT

[rainbowdemon]

A gay man finally hears the test results from his doctor. "well, it's positive, I'm afraid you do have AIDS." Horrified, the man says "My God, is there anything I can do?" The doctor replies "well, there is one thing..." "What? what can I do?" The man asks intently. The doctor sits down and begins writing on his prescription pad. "OK, I want you to eat 15 cans of beans, 20 pounds of jalapeno peppers, 18 bananas, 10 boxes of saltines, 8 bags of ravioli, a plate of nachos, and wash it down with a gallon of prune juice." The man asks "will that cure me? The doctor hands the paper to the man and says "no, but it will teach you what your ass is for."

:D

[Shawn]

I heard yesterday that Princess Diana was on the radio.

and dashboard

and steering wheel

and windshield

and .....

[IO pan]

did you hear about necrophiliac who fell in love? everything was rosy 'till the cunt split on him.

[rainbowdemon]

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

)

[DudeAsInCool]

If a Stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies, what kind of bird brings no babies at all? A swallow. ;)

[Shawn]

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got mouth rot; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

[Shawn]

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to urinate. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous member he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.

The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"

"Well, havin' such a large tallywhacker makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind providing some relief." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has finished, he starts to walk away.

The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"

"25," he says.

"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

[Shawn]

(okay, last one and then I'll behave a bit :rolleyes:)

Laura Bush is the celebrity contestant on Password and it's her turn to guess the word.

Voice Over for the audience: And the password is. . . an African-American's wang!

Laura: Um. . . is it a place?

Her parter: No.

Laura: Is it a person?

Her partner: No.

Laura: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I might want to eat?

Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.

Nancy: Is it an African-American's wang?

[rainbowdemon]

Christmas in West Virginia

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.

The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,

While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.

Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick

I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!

On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice

But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!

[rainbowdemon]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

[IO pan]

... I think I can save you a grand here.

lmfao...thats rich.

okay heres one:

whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies?

......give up?.......

you cant unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

:rolleyes:

[Shawn]

THE GIFT

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[rainbowdemon]

Famous uses of the word "fuck" in history:

"What the fuck was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer

"That's not a real fucking gun." -- John Lennon

"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" -- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll." -- Anne Boleyn

"It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!" -- Willard Scott

"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck." -- Walt Disney

"Why? Because it's fucking there, that's why!" Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -- Joan of Arc

"She wants how much fucking money?!?!?" -- Donald Trump

"Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!" Orville Reddenbacher

[Shawn]

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 11-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

[Guest Guest]

One time, ol' Thibedeaux (tib-eh-doe) had a Bar-B-Q in the back of his house. Well, ol' Broussard (broo-sard) saw one of Thibedeaux's

children running around with a real strange outfit.

Broussard said 'Hey, Thibedeaux, wot dat yor baby got on hisself?'

Thibedeaux said 'Man, dats a Pampers, cher (shah)!'

Broussard said 'Wot you mean a Pampers?'

Thibedeaux said 'It's like a diaper, but you don' got to wash it, you don' got to fol' it - you jus' tro'ed it away.'

Broussard said 'WHOO MAN! I need ta gots me some o' dem Pampers!'

The next weekend, ol' Broussard was having acrawfish boil in the back of his house.

Thibedeaux said 'Whoo man, looks like you gots some a dem Pampers on yor babies!'

Broussard said 'Yeh, I love dem Pampers, cher. You don' gots to wash 'em, you don' gots to fol' 'em, you jus' tro'ed 'em away.'

Thibedeaux said 'Wall den, you need to change dat Pampers on dat little Pierre.'

Broussard said 'No I don'.' Thibedeaux said 'An yes you do!'

Broussard went and picked up Pierre and shook him a little and again said 'No, I don'!'

Thibedeaux said 'Look at dat! He got de shoo-shoo come out de back o' de Pampers. He got de shoo-shoo run all down his legs! Man, WHY you not change dat pampers?' Broussard said 'CAUSE! De box says its good for 18 to 23 pounds!'

[Guest Guest]

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the

size of an orange.

Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer.

Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like

him has such a small head.

So the guy tells him his story: He was walking

along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie

lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful

genie who says, "I'll grant you one wish...

but i won't sleep with you."

Guy says, "Ok then, how 'bout a little head?"

[rainbowdemon]

This guy is riding his horse through the west and comes across a camp of bandits. He is captured and is sentenced to death. The head leader of the camp of bandits says to the man, "You have three requests to fulfil before I kill you!" The man says okay and goes to talk to his horse. He whispers something to the horse and the horse goes off.

The next morning the horse returns with a red-headed woman. The man and the woman spend the night together, and the following morning the leader tells the prisoner that he has two more wishes. The man again whispers something in the horse’s ear. The horse and the red-head go off into the sunset. The next morning the horse returns to the camp with a blonde. The man and the blonde spend the night together.

The next morning the leader lets the man know he has only one wish left. The man goes to the horse grabs him by the ears and yells, "I said go and get the POSSE!!!!"

[JohnnyOnDaSpot]

A religious man traveling in an indian land decided to try out his Vantriliquist skills on a local indian man just for fun...

The man said to the Indian that he could talk to his horse.

The Indian said: Horse no talk.

So the man asked the question: how does your master treat you?

and The horse replied: He's great, he feeds me as much as I can eat everyday and rides me so I get plenty of excercise and sunshine/

Hmm said the Indian.

The man says I can also talk with your dog.

Then the Indian says: Dog no talk.

So the man proceeds to ask the dog: How does your master treat you?

The dog replied: wonderfull I get to eat and run and he plays with me all the time.

Hmm said the Indian.

So the man says I can also talk with your Sheep

Then the Indian says: wait wait...sheep lie...sheep lie

[rainbowdemon]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked step mother and the ugly sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?" "Because my step mother and step sisters won't let me go to the ball" "You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you." "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother." "There is just one condition, Cinderella, and listen to it carefully. You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your vagina will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him. The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition which her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon.

The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin. He said to Cinderella as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?" "About half past two," she replied.

[rainbowdemon]

A seven year old Pennsylvania boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a high court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was yesterday granted to the Pittsburgh Steelers, as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone!

[Shawn]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend, well she was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two years of age, wore very tight mini skirts + very low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Shawn]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord, it is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

[Shawn]

Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mom on her first visit home since heading off to college.

"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."

"Well, hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes, and no."

"What do you mean?"

"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, I started to get real sore."