Offensive Jokes

[Shawn]

(sidenote - I wonder how many would be too many to post in a row)

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.

"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damn good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[Shawn]

Isn't the American Thanksgiving coming up? This is for you guys.

Things that sound dirty, except at thanksgiving

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"Let's do it in the Dining room"

[rainbowdemon]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'

I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared, so the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.' "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first.

[rainbowdemon]

A couple were marking their 50th anniversary and after a few pre-dinner drinks and a couple of celebratory glasses of wine, the man says to his wife, "Vesta, we've had a great life together, with blessings and contentment. But there's something I've always wondered about. Would you tell me the truth? Have you ever been unfaithful to me?

"She hesitated a moment before I heard her say, "Yes, Sidney, three times." Looking a bit shocked, he then asked, "Three times? How could that happen?" Vesta lowered her voice, and said "Well, do you remember that right after we were married we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" Sidney nodded and admitted that those were really difficult times. "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" Vesta asked.

By the look on her husband's face I knew this was tough to hear, but he nodded and said quietly, "Things were bad then, I remember, so I guess I can forgive you."

He hesitated before asking, "When was the second time?" She bit her lower lip before saying, "Do you remember years later when you nearly died of a heart problem and because our insurance wasn't very good, we couldn't afford an operation?" Sidney acknowledged that he did remember.

Vesta went on to add, "Then you also recall that after I went to see the doctor he performed the operation at no cost?" Sidney nodded again and admitted that although the confession shocked him, he understood that she did what she did for love of him, and he forgave her.

"So what was the third time?" Vesta lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"

[Shawn]

A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

[Shawn]

Martina Navratilovna won the 1994 Wimbledon match, and she is retiring from tennis. An interviewer thought she might speak more freely now that she is off the circuit, and asked:

"Tell us, Martina, did you ever use steroids?"

Her unequivocal reply:

"Suck my dick!"

[rainbowdemon]

:D :D :D :D

Man, that's just wrong!!

:D :D :D :D

[rainbowdemon]

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Lady Di arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be" "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place." "Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor. "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter "Hold on a minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything" "Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."

[rainbowdemon]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

"So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

[DudeAsInCool]

Martina Navratilovna won the 1994 Wimbledon match, and she is retiring from tennis. An interviewer thought she might speak more freely now that she is off the circuit...

"So would you like to talk about Billie Jean King?" he asked.

"Nah," she answered. "That's water over the dam.."

[rainbowdemon]

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out.

Their department was just too busy for staff to be able to take any time off.

But there had to be a way . . . One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Boss.

He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Boss emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor.

He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant, laughing wildly.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir," the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked her.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

[Shawn]

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."

[Shawn]

A very successful LA lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell telephone, dialed 911, and it was not more than 5 minutes before a police officer pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it like new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? .....It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer...."Where's my Rolex?"

[HolyMoly]

Jesus is walking through the Holy Land one day and comes into a village. Oddly, it seems that no one is around. But finally, he comes across a merchant and asks him, "Where are all the people?"

The merchant tells Jesus that a woman in the village was found to have committed adultery. And, the village elders sentenced her to a stoning. So, he told Jesus that the villagers had taken the woman to a nearby quarry to carry out the sentence.

Jesus ran through town as fast as he could. Finally, he reached the quarry and saw people with stones above their heads ready to throw them. Rushing up to the edge of the pit, he shouted, "WAIT!!! Let the person among you who is without sin cast the first stone."

When the villagers heard his words, they all realized they'd all fallen short of the grace of God and began to lower their arms. But then, on the other side of the pit, a little old lady walked up to the edge, shouted "Death to the adulterer!" and cast her stone. So, when the villagers saw that the first stone had indeed been cast, they raised their arms again, cast their own stones, and seconds later the woman in the pit was dead.

Jesus stood in shock. But, as the dust began to settle, he heard the faint sound of laughter coming from the other side of the pit. There she was - the little old lady who cast the first stone. Jesus angrily stomped over in her direction, grabbed her by both shoulders, looked her right in the eyes and said, "You know, Mother, sometimes you piss me off!"

[Shawn]

I just got this in an email:

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his

annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. He went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and

were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

He began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the liquor. In his frustration he accidently dropped the coffee

pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[HolyMoly]

Many moons ago, the chief of a native tribe called a boy into his teepee. He told the boy that he'd reached the age of manhood ... that it was time for him to marry a squaw and take his place as an adult brave in the village. Then the chief explained the mechanics of the sex act to him and said, "Go now into the deep forest and find a mighty fallen oak with a knothole. Practice on it until you have learned the great secret of sex."

The boy disappeared into the forest as the chief and other braves gathered around a campfire, passed a pipe, and told stories. A few minutes later, they heard a blood-curdling scream from the forest ... and shortly afterward, the boy limped back into the village holding his private parts and moaning in agony.

"Have you learned the great secret of sex?" the chief asked as he stood. The boy shook his head and the chief replied, "Then go back into the forest until you have learned it. Otherwise, you'll never be a brave in this village."

Reluctantly, the boy staggered and limped back into the forest ... and again, the chief and other braves passed a pipe and told stories by the campfire. A few minutes later, they heard an odd sound ... like wood striking wood. It went away. Then a few minutes later, they heard the sound again ... and again, it went away. So, they continued their storytelling until finally, the boy returned to the village again.

The chief stood again. "Have you learned the great secret of sex?"

The boy announced confidently, "Yes, chief, I have."

"Very well, then," the chief said with satisfaction. "Tomorrow, I will pick a squaw for your wife. You will marry her and take your place as a brave in this village."

The next day after the ceremony, the new brave and his wife retired to their conjugal teepee. Immediately, the brave issued her orders. "Squaw take off clothes!" She complied. "Now squaw turn around." She complied. "Now squaw bend over." She complied. Then the brave picked up a big stick from the floor of the teepee and swung it hard, hitting the squaw right in the twat. She ran screaming from the teepee toward the chief's teepee. The chief came out of his teepee to see what the commotion was all about and the squaw jumped into his arms, whispering what had happened to her. The brave approached them both.

"Wait right there," the chief demanded. "I thought you told me you learned the great secret of sex!"

"I have, chief," replied the brave without hesitation.

The skeptical chief raised his eyebrows and asked, "Very well, then. What IS the great secret of sex?"

The brave looked around to make certain no one was listening in and whispered, "Before having sex, you must first check ... for bees!"

[rainbowdemon]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

[treveinta]

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

[HolyMoly]

Three Italian nuns died and stood before St. Peter. St. Peter welcomed them all and said, "God is most pleased with the work you have done for Him on Earth ... so pleased, in fact, that he's authorized me to grant you each a miracle. For a six month period, God will let you to return to Earth to live as any other woman you've ever wanted to be."

The first nun says, "Oh, I've always wanted to be Sophia Loren."

"Very well," says St. Peter. He snaps his fingers and off she goes.

The second nun says, "I've often dreamed of being Gina Lolobridgida."

"Fine," St. Peter said. He snaps his fingers and off she goes.

The third nun wore thick glasses and carried a magazine in one hand. She says, "I want to be Sara Papalini."

"Sara Papalini?" St. Peter winces. "Well, I know that Sophia and Gina were popular actresses in their day ... but frankly, I've never heard of Sara Papalini."

"Well, there's an article about her right here," the nun says as she hands St. Peter the magazine.

St. Peter looks at it and giggles, "You've obviously misread this article. It's titled Sahara Pipeline laid by 10,000 men."

[HolyMoly]

Two Italian-American men were eating lunch in their workplace cafeteria and having a conversation. One table away from them, a female co-worker was listening in:

"Well, itsa like dis," said one man to the other. "First, Emma come. Den I come. Den two asses a-come togetha. Den I come again. Den two asses a-come togetha and I come again. Den, two pee lata, I come again."

The woman jumped to her feet, tapped the man on his shoulder and said, "Would you mind keeping your filthy mouth to yourself??? Otherwise, I'll turn you in for sexual harrassment!!!"

The man stood up and barked back, "Whassa-matta fo you, bitch? I was only teachin' ma friend how to spell-a Mississippi."

[HolyMoly]

Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are sitting in a tent located in the desert area north of Mosul, their hands tied tightly behind their backs. Two Kurdish militia men stand guard outside. Saddam turns to Osama and says, "You think they'll turn us over to the Americans, Osama?" Osama nods and replies, "Yes, Saddam, probably so."

Just then, a Jeep pulls up outside the tent. A surly looking militia commander enters the tent and regards the two men. "I have some good news for both of you."

Saddam's eyes brighten. "You mean you're not going to turn us over to the Americans after all?"

"No," the commander replies. "The Americans are on their way here right now."

Osama winces and asks, "Then what's the good news?"

The commander smiles and replies, "I just saved a load of money on Jeep insurance by switching to GEICO.

P.S. FWIW, I sent this "commercial idea" into GEICO's marketing department for use in a possible future ad. Think they'll use it? Nah, hehe.

[DudeAsInCool]

Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are sitting in a tent

High praise indeed. How much is GEICO?

[HolyMoly]

High praise indeed. How much is GEICO?

I was with them for years (no accidents, no tickets). But, their rates crept upward and upward. Every 6 months, I religiously check for quotes on auto insurance. And, starting in August, GEICO was beaten out by Safeco ... so now I'm with Safeco. When it comes to insurance companies, my only loyalty is to my own wallet (grin).

[HolyMoly]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," St. Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St, Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." St. Peter replies, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

===============================

Bill Gates dies and stands before St. Peter. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm not quite sure where to send you. You've been good at times and bad at others. So, I guess I'll give you a choice. Look upon these two visions - the one on my left is Hell - the one on my right is Heaven. Make your choice on where to spend eternity."

Gates regards both visions. In Heaven, angels in white robes are fluttering about in clouds, smiling euphorically, playing harps, and singing hymns. In Hell, naked men and women are frolicking on an endless black-sand beach ... playing beach ball, drinking beer, having sex and laughing.

"Well," Gates began, "they're both nice. But, to tell you the truth, I prefer Hell to Heaven."

St. Peter snapped his fingers and in an instant, Gates was dispatched to Hell. A few weeks later, St. Peter decided to visit Hell to see how Gates was doing. Upon his arrival, he saw Gates chained to a big boulder of fiery hot brimstone, screaming in agony as demons taunted him and poked him with pitchforks. Gates noticed St. Peter and called out to him, "Hey! Where are the naked people, the beach ball, the drinking, the sex, the laughing ... this isn't the vision of Hell you showed me?"

"Ohhhhh, that vision," St. Peter replied. "That was just the demo vision."

===============================

Forrest Gump died and stood before St. Peter. "Welcome, Forrest, we've been expecting you," St. Peter began. "But things have changed up here. In order to get into Heaven, you must answer three progressively difficult questions. Now is not the time to be stupid."

Forrest shrugs and replies, "Stupid is as stupid does."

"Very well, then," St. Peter said. "Your first question -- Name two days of the week that begin with the letter "T".

"Well," Forrest replies, "they's ta-day and ta-morrah."

St. Peter wrinkles his brow. "Well, that's not exactly what I was looking for. But technically, you're correct ... so I'll give you credit for that one. Second question -- How many seconds are there in a year?"

Forrest's face strains and, after a few moments, he replies, "Well, I thunk and I thunk and my math says twelve."

St. Peter's eyebrows raise. "What gives you the idea that there are twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest shrugs. "Well, they's January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ..."

"OK, OK, I see where you're going," St. Peter interrupts Forrest. "But again, you're technically correct so I'll give you credit for that one, too. Third question -- What is God's first name?"

"Aw, shucks," Forrest replies with a laugh, "that's the EASY one. Everybody knows that God's first name is Andy!"

St. Peter frowns. "Uh, Forrest, what makes you think that God's first name is Andy?"

"Cuz it's in that song we always sing in church:

Andyyyy walks with me,

Andy talks with me,

Andy tells me I am his own..."

St. Peter laughs, opens the gates of Heaven and shouts, "RUN, FORREST, RUN..."

===============================

(a 2-jokes-in-1-joke)

There's a nuclear holocaust on Earth. And, in a matter of moments, the entire human population of Earth stands in a long line in front of St. Peter. Stunned by the multitude in front of him, St. Peter announces over a loudspeaker, "Due to the crowd, I'm dispensing with reading from the Book Of Life on every soul. Instead, to get into Heaven, you only have to answer one religious question. Screw up, and it's off to Hell you go."

Way back in the line, one soul was shuddering. He had no religious knowledge whatsoever and was certain he'd screw up. And, little by little, the line moved forward ... until only two souls stood ahead of him.

"What is the meaning of Christmas?" St. Peter asked soul #1.

"That's the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ," the soul replied.

"Very well ... in you go," St. Peter replied. "NEXT?"

A second later, soul #2 stood in front of him. "OK, what is the meaning of Thanksgiving?"

"That's the day we thank God for the bounty of the land," the soul replied.

"Very well ... in you go," St. Peter replied. "NEXT?"

Finally, the nervous soul stood shaking in front of St. Peter. "OK, what is the meaning of Easter?"

The soul babbled and shook even more.

"Look, I want to keep this line moving. Tell you what, I'll give you a hint. Jesus was crucified. Later, he was buried in a tomb. But three days later, an angel came down from Heaven, removed the stone that covered the tomb, and ..."

"Wait! Wait!" the soul replied, smiling with excitement. "I think I've got it! He comes out of his hole and, if he sees his shadow, it's six more weeks of winter!"

St. Peter frowns, pulls a handle, and the soul begins sliding down a long, long chute. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to the soul, he emerges in a triangular room ... with Satan there, laughing uncontrollably.

"That was great, hehehe!" Satan said. "You should have seen the look on St. Peter's face when you told him that, hehehe. Tell you what. I'm a good sport. And, since you gave me a good laugh today, I'm going to give you a choice of spending eternity behind one of the three doors on these walls."

The soul opened the first door, peeking inside. He saw other souls, screaming in agony, jumping up and down on red-hot brimstone while demons taunted them and poked them with pitchforks. He slammed the door shut. Then he opened the second door, peeking inside. He saw other souls swimming in a vast sea of boiling oil, screaming in agony and trying to reach solid ground while demons taunted them and poked them back down in the oil with their pitchforks. He slammed the door shut. Finally, he opened the third door, peeking inside. Inside, he saw a vast chamber filled with many male and female souls ... all standing waist-deep in human shit, drinking tea and having pleasant conversation.

"Well," the soul said to Satan, "I guess I'll choose this door then." Satan pushed him in and shut the door, locking it from the outside. All of a sudden, the soul found himself standing waist-deep in human shit ... and just as quickly, a cup of hot tea appeared in his hand. He drank some and, just as quickly, the cup refilled itself.

After a few minutes, he couldn't notice the foul smell anymore. And, the tea was quite good. He saw a few friends and went to join them in conversation. But, out of the corner of his eye, he could see a digital clock on the cavern wall ... counting backward:

0 years ... 0 days ... 9 minutes ... 7 seconds

He went back to his tea and conversation. But out of the corner of his eye, he regarded the clock again:

0 years ... 0 days ... 3 minutes ... 14 seconds

Again, he went back to his tea and conversation. But out of the corner of his eye, he regarded the clock again:

0 years ... 0 days ... 0 minutes ... 3 seconds, 2 seconds, 1 second, then...

BONG...ONG....ONG...ONG -- sounded a loud bell. The tea cups vanished and everyone fell silent as Satan's voice came over a loudspeaker: "All right, tea time's over - back on your heads," as the clock on the wall read:

1999 years ... 364 days ... 59 minutes ... 59 seconds.

[HolyMoly]

An elderly man and his wife are sitting in rocking chairs on their front porch, rocking away the evening. All of a sudden, the wife reaches down to her side, picks up her cane, and strikes her husband hard across his lap.

"What in the Hell was that for?" the man shrieks.

"That was for 60 years of bad sex!" she replied ... and they begin rocking their chairs again.

A couple of minutes later, the man stops rocking, reaches down to his side, picks up his cane, and strikes his wife hard across her lap.

"And what in the Hell was that for?" his wife shrieks.

He raises his eyebrows and replies, "That's for knowin' the difference."