Offensive Jokes

[HolyMoly]

A British and an American explorer are walking through a thick African jungle when they come upon an odd clearing, with gems laid out in a decorative design. They begin to collect the gems when, all of a sudden, natives come out of nowhere, grab them both, and take them to their chief.

"You have violated our sacred burial ground. For that, you must pay a price. Choose now, both of you -- will it be death or bunga.

The American speaks up first, "I'll take the bunga."

The chief nods to tribesmen who rip off the American's clothes and take turns giving him anal intercourse. Finally, when all the tribesmen are done, the American staggers off naked and bleeding into the jungle.

Seeing this, the British explorer decided he'd show the chief that Englishmen were made of sterner stuff. He walks right up to the chief, looks him in the eyes and says, "I choose death!"

The villagers murmur among themselves as the chief motions them into silence. "Very well, then ... let it be death ...

BY BUNGA!!!"

[HolyMoly]

An airplane in flight across the Atlantic develops a severe fuel leak. It's so severe that the jet can no longer make it to any airport. So, the pilot gets on the intercom and tells the passengers to prepare for a crash landing at sea ... that only 15 minutes of flying time remains before the crash. All of a sudden, a woman in the back of the plane jumps from her seat into the aisleway and rips off all her clothing, yelling, "I'm too young to die unsatisfied! Is there at least one REAL MAN on this plane who can make me feel like a REAL WOMAN???"

Near the front of the plane, a man stands up and faces her. Slowly, his tall muscular body advances on her. His shoulder-length tawny hair bounces in the cabin air as, one-by-one, he unbuttons his plaid flannel shirt. Each step closer, his chest hair bristled. And each step closer, the woman's breathing heavied. Finally standing in front of her, the man gave her a strong masculine stare, removed his shirt completely and threw it at her - saying, "Iron this for me, babe, I'm in a hurry."

Well ... he did make her feel like a REAL woman (snarf).

[DudeAsInCool]

..the man gave her a strong masculine stare, removed his shirt completely and threw it at her - saying, "Iron this for me, babe, I'm in a hurry." 

lol.

[rainbowdemon]

Steve is shopping for a motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

[HolyMoly]

A not-so-offensive Harley joke.

A famous heart surgeon, well known in his community, brings his Harley in for service ... saying it's sputtering. The mechanic looks at it and shakes his head. The bike is filthy and he knows the doctor has taken bad care of it. "I'll have to replace two valves on it," he says, "and it'll cost $1,000." The doctor gives him the go-ahead on the work and leaves. Later the next day, the doctor returns to pick up his Harley. The mechanic starts it up and it sounds sweet, just like the day the doctor bought it. Then he shuts the bike off. But, as the doctor is writing the $1,000 check, the mechanic remembers a story he read in the morning paper ... about the surgeon performing a delicate heart valve replacement procedure costing $10,000.

"Doc, can I ask you a question?" the mechanic asks. "The valve replacement procedure I did on your Harley was just as tricky and time-consuming as the valve replacement procedure you did on that heart ... yet you asked for $10,000 while I only charged $1,000. What makes your procedure more difficult than mine?"

"Tell you what," the doctor replies as he mounts his motorcycle, "I'll write you another check for $9,000 if you can replace those valves on my Harley again ... (he starts up the motorcycle) ... while it's running."

==========================================

This reminds me of another not-so-offensive joke. Years ago, I owned a Honda Civic. A friend "leaned" on it and put a dent in it but offered to pay for the fix. So, I went to a local auto-body shop and, while the dent was being popped out, read this on their wall bulletin board:

Never Complain About The High Cost of Service

A man owned an automated nut-and-bolt factory. He had no employees. Every morning, he'd arrive at 9:00 AM and press a button on the wall. All of a sudden, the machines would come to life. Some machines made the nuts, others made the bolts, other boxed them all up, and an automated forklift took the boxes out to a loading dock where trucks came to pick them up at the end of the day. And, at the end of the day, the man just pressed the button again before he walked out the door ... and the machines all fell silent.

One day, the man was sitting in his office about Noon when, all of a sudden, the machines fell silent. He went out to the factory floor, pressed the button repeatedly, but nothing happened. Since he was losing serious money, he called in an emergency technician to find and repair the problem.

In a matter of minutes, the technician arrived. In his hand was a small leather tool-case. He proceeded to walk up one aisle, down another, and so on ... just looking at different things. Finally, in one corner of the warehouse, he saw something he didn't like and shook his head. He opened up his tool kit, took out a tiny hammer, and tapped a machine part gently with it. All of a sudden, the entire factory came back to life with machines doing this and that. And, the man was grateful ... thanking the technician and asking him to send a bill.

A few days later, the man received the bill ... for $5,005.00. It was outrageous, of course. All the technician did was look up one aisle, down another, and finally tap one machine part with a tiny hammer. But, while he decided to pay the bill anyway, the man decided he'd have the last laugh. He wrote out the check for $5,005.00, put it in an envelope addressed to the mechanic, but with it included a short note - asking the technician to send him an "itemized" bill for his records, certain the tech would not be able to justify the expense.

A few days later, the man received his itemized bill. There were only two lines on it:

$5.00 ---------- tapping machine with hammer

$5,000.00 ---- knowing where to tap

Moral of the story? No one ever has to pay exhorbitant fees for service. They only have to pay for service work they're unwilling to perform for themselves ... unwilling due to personal laziness in learning the techniques necessary. So, never complain to a service technician about the high cost of their work. The person you should really be complaining to is the person you see in the mirror every morning.

[DudeAsInCool]

In David's 3rd-grade class, the teacher one day asked the students what

their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor,

lawyer, etc. David, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the

teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay

cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if

the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have

sex with him for money."

A bit shaken by this statement, the teacher set the other students to work

on an assignment, and then took little David aside to ask him, "David, is

that really true about your father?"

"No," admitted David. "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too

ashamed to say that in front of the class."

[HolyMoly]

President Bush, Michael Savage and Bill Clinton all happen to be in Washington DC at the same time when a freak tornado hits the city. The tornado picks all of them up and, when they finally get back to the ground, they all realize they've been transported to the Land of Oz. They all want to get back to DC. But each of them has a separate personal request for the Wizard besides that.

Michael Savage says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

President Bush says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Bill Clinton looks around and asks, "Where's Dorothy?"

[HolyMoly]

A test for Mad Cow disease. Sneak up on your cows and listen for one of them saying this:

MadCow.ram

[rainbowdemon]

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

[HolyMoly]

Back in the late 1960s, a long-haired hippie lost his job and was forced to look for work. This was difficult since he lived in Boise, Idaho ... a highly conservative city at the time. One by one, he applied for jobs and one by one, he was refused work. Desperate, he finally started applying for commission-only sales jobs. But, he was still meeting with no success until finally, he applied for a job selling toothbrushes door-to-door. The sales manager saw the hippie and just laughed ... sure that no one would buy anything from him. But, he figured "What the hell," and hired him anyway ... giving him a sample kit, certain he'd never see him again.

At the end of the fiscal year, the sales manager was reviewing activity when he noticed something that made his jaw drop. At the top of his list was the hippie's name. And, not only was this hippie his top salesman, the hippie had sold more toothbrushes than the remainder of his sales force combined! He called up the hippie and asked him to come to his office the next day, eager to find out what his sales technique secrets were.

The next morning, a stretch-limo pulled up outside the sales manager's office. The driver came around to the other side of the car and opened the door. Out stepped the hippie ... dressed pretty much the same way he was when he applied for the job, his long hair even longer. He came into the sales manager's office, shook hands with him, and sat down.

"I'm really impressed with your work," the sales manager began. "But I've just got to find out what your secret is. Tell you what. Go outside my office, knock on my door, and when you come in give me the same sales talk you give to your customers."

The hippie nodded, went outside the office, knocked on the door ... and when the manager asked him to come in, the hippie said, "Hey, man, wanna buy a toothbrush?" Silence...

"That's it?" the sales manager queried. The hippie just nodded. Then the sales manager said, "Maybe I missed something ... go outside and try it again."

The hippie nodded, went outside the office, knocked on the door ... and when the manager asked him to come in, the hippie said, "Hey, man, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"Hmmm ..." The manager was certain the hippie was holding his secret back. So, he decided to put the screws on the hippie ... and be a difficult customer. Again, he asked the hippie to go outside and try it again.

The hippie nodded, went outside the office, knocked on the door ... and when the manager asked him to come in, the hippie said, "Hey, man, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"No," the manager replied. "Why in the hell would I want to buy a toothbrush from a dirty long-haired hippie like you?"

"Hey, man, just chill," the hippie replied. "To show you there's no hard feelings, have this complimentary candy." He hands a wrapped candy to the manager.

The manager unwraps the candy, puts it in his mouth and chews ... then says, "My God, this tastes like shit!"

"That's just what it is," the hippie replied, smiling. "Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[Shawn]

That's pretty good.

[Shawn]

Top 10 Female Rejection Lines (Translated!)

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.

Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)

10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly. 4.
It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.

[Shawn]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.

''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

[Shawn]

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

[Shawn]

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?," Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''

[Shawn]

And this one best fits the thread title:

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt.

[HolyMoly]

Now, this is really offensive (grin):

chimp.mpg

[rainbowdemon]

A New Yorker was fed up and couldn't take any more stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded, rough looking Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Billy Bob...Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday...Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem...After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Tough crowd, huh" Sam jokes, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. "One more thing...there's probably gonna be some mighty wild sex too." "Now that's definitely not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll absolutely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Billy Bob stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

[HolyMoly]

Another New Yorker (a blonde stockbroker) got so fed up with the rat race that he decided to country-fy himself. He moved to a small farming community, bought himself a chicken farm, and went to the local co-op store. "I'd like to buy a hundred baby chicks," he said. The owner gladly rounded them up and sold them to the man.

A week later, the man returned to the co-op store. "I'd like to buy another hundred baby chicks," he said. The owner again sold him the new chicks and was impressed how well he was expanding his operation.

A week later, the man returned to the co-op store. "I'd like to buy another hundred baby chicks," he said.

"Boy, this'll be 300 baby chicks in just 3 weeks," the owner replied. "Your operation must be doing quite well."

"No, I'm afraid not," the man said, lowering his head. "In fact, they've all died."

"Hmmm," said the co-op store owner, concerned. "Have you been giving them plenty of water?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm certain that's not the problem." Then the man got an idea. "Say, do you think I might be planting them too deep?"

[Shawn]

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

[Shawn]

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw a woman weeping uncontrolably. “What's wrong?” he asked, putting an arm around her shoulder.

“It's horrible,” she said, “just horrible -- Jerome is dead!” Feeling there was little he could do, Frank walked on.

A few minutes later, he came upon another woman crying hysterically. “Jerome is dead!” she screamed as she staggered past.

Continuing along the road, Frank came upon a sickening sight: a big bear of a man lay on the road beneath the wheels of a truck. The force of the impact had ripped the man's clothes off and, much to Frank's surprise, the man had a penis over a foot long. There were several other women surrounding him screaming, “'Jerome is dead! Jerome is dead!”

Upon reaching his house, he said to his wife, “Honey, you won't believe what i just saw. A man was lying in the road, stiff as a board -- and he had an endowment at least fourteen inches long.”

“Sweet Jesus,” she said, “Jerome is dead?!”

[Shawn]

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."

[Shawn]

A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman.

The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.

The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both.

Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both.

The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God??"

[rainbowdemon]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Shawn]

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great.

The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.

The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great.

The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great."

The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?"

The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina."