What to say?

[Shawn]

I don't know who does or doesn't know this. I've spoken to the admins about it but for the most part have kept it to myself.

About 3 weeks ago, after months of being hurt by our relationship I asked my wife to decide what she thought was going on with the marriage. Her came back a few days later to announce she didn't love me anymore and wanted it over. A couple of days later she admitted that she subconsciously had been trying to hurt me enough that I would end the marriage.

I went out and found a new place for June 1st. We agreed to share the custody of the children equally. There are a lot of unresolved issues to me though. This is a woman that I have and do love intensely.

I decided that on the way home from the concert we went to I should try to get some of my answers. She had several drinks at the show and I hoped would be talkative. Instead she did the clam up and physically turn her body away from me thing she's being doing for a few years.

I decided to push her. I knew if I kept needling her she would finally be out with it. I'm not proud of having treated her like that, but I really couldn't understand how someone could end a 7 year marriage without a second thought.

She finally announced that she didn't think she had ever loved me. She added that I'm an asshole. To everyone. I actually believe the last part might be just her anger, but the part about not loving me ever could be true. I wonder now what she has been lying about for all of these years if she could pretend to have loved me that long. She also told me that I'm the most neurotic person in the world. That may be true too. I worry about all sorts of shit. I worry if she's driving long distances, I worry about her safety when she goes to study at the school at night. I worry if I don't hear from her until 3:30 in the morning that she might be cheating. I worry a lot.

I also feel guilty about having spoke to her in the way I did. I know that there are some unpleasant aspects to my personality but I've made a conscious effort our entire marriage not to turn that toward her. I have a caustic personality at times. I'm sorry if I've ever piled it upon any of you.

Just as a sidenote... I'm not suggesting to any of you she's a horrible person. She can be warm and kind, but all too often she chooses to internalize everything. That doesn't work in a marriage. I am guilty of it as well for about the last 6 months to 2 years in a growing amount as time went on. She has always been the person I've felt I could open up to, but as she turned colder I stopped expressing those feelings. I bottled them up because I felt that to talk to someone else about them would be a disloyalty to my marriage.

To be honest I have no better idea now of what's going through her head than I did before tonight, but at least I do know that she never loved me. The bit about my neorotic self came out when I suggested that it wasn't really normal to marry someone and tell them you love them for 7 years when you feel nothing. She said I had no right to use the word 'normal'.

I've cried myself right out already. I just feel sort of sad. I would have given anything until I found this stuff out tonight to try to win her back. Now I don't know what to think. I picked the kids up from my cousin that was babysitting for me, put them to bed at home, and now I'm writing this.

[method77]

Shawn

I've already told what I think but I will add now that this woman is not worth your love.

Focus on the kids and yourself now

[rainbowdemon]

Method is right. Just look to what promises to be a bright future. And let the past be the past.

[Cerebral_Assassin]

Hey Shawn, I in no way can say I know how you feel.

My wife and I will be celebrating our 24th anniversary this coming November.

I can truthfully say I love her more today than I did when I looked in her eyes and said "I Do", and I can only hope and pray she feels the same way.

I know you have your kids whom you love more than life itself but that is a whole different kind of love than the love between a man and a woman.

There is someone out there for you somewhere, someone who can truly love you as much as you will love her.......if the love between two people isn't mutual then there is no use in maintaining the relationship. Shawn, carry on and find that someone, it's hard sometimes to end a relationship but if she doesn't love you then it's time for you to think about you and your future. I wish you the best of luck in the future, I hope everything good in life you deserve comes to you and makes you happier than you've ever been.

[Kooperman]

Shawn, I truly hate to hear about this because I can see how much it's hurt you. But try to put aside the fog of pain, bitterness and uncertainty which seems to surround you right now and realize that if this marriage has been unsuccessful then it's a good thing that it's finally been brought out into the open. Some marriages with only one loving participant last for decades, growing more and more hurtful by the day. That's not good for anybody involved, particularly the kids. It won't happen overnight, but as soon as you can find the strength to look forward, go for it. Catalog the pluses you have as a person, not the negatives you've listed...everybody has quirks and oddities concerning their personality...she's just made you inflate the weight of yours. I think you'll find that you have a lot to offer in a relationship....be wary of accepting her assessment of you as fact.

Most importantly, although this is something that will take some time, don't be afraid to fall in love again. You feel victimized by loving someone who now says she never loved you, but that's not an indictment of you...it's a serious personality flaw on her part. Don't let her problem define your self-perception.

I only wish the best for you in the future...and when the time comes, don't be afraid to commit yourself again to a good woman. I had one marriage end in tragedy and enclosed myself in such a protective shell that I waited 26 years before I risked another marriage...I hope you're braver than I was.

[slum_goddess]

Shawn, i agree w/all people above, but mostly Koop--that it's a good thing it's out in the open. and i admire you for having the balls to come out and say this very personal stuff. i thought long and hard back in march about putting my despair on the line and decided not to. now i'm sorry i din't. you're a warm, intelligent and funny person and there are good things in store for you. i'm very sorry you're hurting now. (i wanna rail on /her/ but won't since i don 't know her). i wish you and your beautiful daughters the best of luck.

[Malicious Intent]

I have absolutely no idea what to say to you :(

Everyone else has put it so well.

My thoughts are with you and I hope things look at least partially better in the cold light of day.

[KiwiCoromandel]

i`m so sorry to hear that shawn...... :( :( :(

[Potato]

Shawn, think about it this way: would you rather have been lied to your entire life and find out in the end that she wasn't in love, or find out now and have a chance to heal and perhaps find someone worthy of your love?

I truly do wish you the best. You deserve it.

As sg stated, I think you've got balls for posting this on here...

[rainbowdemon]

As sg stated, I think you've got balls for posting this on here...

Yes he does. And that's going to help him get through this.

[The Hunter]

Shawn this is a hard topic for me to reply to, but here goes. I went through 10 years of marrage that was a total lie, as she cheated on me, and I knew it, but hung it down as long as I possibly could to try and create a stable home for my daughter. The lies,and the cheating hurt like hell. Was I totally blameless? Hell no, as Im far from perfect either. What I can tell you is that the first love of my life, IE my daughter turned out fantastic, and the present love of my life has been my saviour. Yes life can, and will go on, and you are a hell of a nice person. Mark my words, you will meet someone else worthy of you, but for now the little ones come first. Try and focus your hurt into the love you feel for the children. Yes my friend you can be caustic at times, as can I, but I have always found you to be very honest. For those that dont know, Shawn and I got to know each other at Zeropaid, and when I was made a mod he questioned my ability to be objective as I had become friendly with many of the members. That I made a note of, and tried to be the most objective mod I could possibly be. It may not seem like it now, but things will get better. Dont forget you have friends, a hell of a lot of friends, that really care about you.

[rainbowdemon]

. Dont forget you have friends, a hell of a lot of friends, that really care about you.

Also true. And I consider myself fortunate to be one of them.

:)

[Umma]

Sorry for your troubles Shawn.

[Shawn]

I thought I was done with the waterworks but you folks started it up again. Thank you for the kind words.

[Mister Spong]

Sorry to here this, Shawn. If I could give you some advice, it's to accept it and move on. Something very similar happened to a mate of mine last year, and having counselled him through it he's now been in his own place for 8 months - and he's never been happier.

Life hasn't ended, it's just ended as you know it. It's an opportunity to start out afresh and to do things how you want to do them. It just might be a fantastic new beginning for you.

Hang in there. I know I'm still pretty new around here, but if you need anything then just holler in my direction.

[Excrement_Cranium]

That... sucks. Time to end the worry. You need not regret anything that came of your time with her. There is no such thing as time wasted, maybe lessons wasted. If there is one thing people deserve, it is to BE LOVED. You can love her more than life itself, but if you are not loved in return, it will only bring you misery.

I fell in love with my wife because she made me feel intensly loved. I don't know if it was youth. I don't know if it was a new relationship, I have no idea what it was then. I know it has faded since then. The intimacy in our relationship has been reduced to something that resembles a chore. I've brought it up several times. It has been so many things, her braces made kisses painful, work left her too tired, maybe it's the birth control. All I know, is that after a relationship of 8 years, marraige of almost 6, I sleep on the couch nearly every night, as OUR bed is a sad place to me. There is no going out all night, no infedelity from either side. I know the whole "honeymoon period" idea, but this isn't along those lines. Don't know.

[Shawn]

I'm extremely sorry to hear that.

[method77]

Me too dude. Some people get lucky and some don't regarding marriages and all that.

I've never been married but I know a bit about this cause my mother probably had the worst marriage ever with my father. She is the strongest person I know.

[Warflower]

Good Luck to you Shawn...

[DudeAsInCool]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, guys, but it takes two to tango - bottom line, its their loss if they dont get it together. Hopefully things will eventually turn around, but if not, you each have lives to lead and messages to leave..

e.g. http://www.budugllydesign.com/archiveow/top100/dumping.htm

[Excrement_Cranium]

Sadly, I'm cool with it for the most part. My kids make me pretty happy.

[Shawn]

I can't seem to fill my days.

I've applied to help out with the local pro bono organization but can't get it set up fast enough to please me.

I also can't find the drive to actually work. (travelling salesman for the summer)

I get sick of hearing shit like "it'll get better". I married the person I planned to spend my entire life with. Marriage wasn't a small deal to me. I feel so fucking alone even when I'm with people that I can't stand it. My smiles and jokes ring so hollow in this damn house. I only have one friend in this damn city and how often can I impose my presence on him and his lady friend?

I think she thought that butterfly stuff in the stomach was supposed to last forever. When it ended I think she took that to mean she had no more feelings for me. Medical research says it can only last 3 years. After that staying together is all about commitment and caring.

This is only the 3rd day here without the kids. It'll be Sunday night before they come back. I guess I'll head out on the road tomorrow. At least then I'm moving around.

[DudeAsInCool]

I can't seem to fill my days.

This is only the 3rd day here without the kids. It'll be Sunday night before they come back. I guess I'll head out on the road tomorrow. At least then I'm moving around.

Start getting into an exercise routine. Get them endorphins rolling :scratchin:

[Shawn]

I have a treadmill but I've lost 55 pounds now in the last 8 weeks. I don't want to overdo it.

[The Hunter]

My friend, all you can do is take every rotten day one at a time. I know what its like, as I have been there. It does suck, and hopefully it will get better with time. The best advice I can give you is to try and keep busy, and occupy your mind. To the ones that think its not a bumpy road, and it cant happen to you, well it can. The only relationships that last, are the ones where both parties are willing to work on the relationship. Its supposed to last a lifetime, but its takes work. Just take care of yourself bud.