a redneck christmas

[rainbowdemon]

The Night Before a Redneck Christmas

It was the night before Christmas,

and all through the trailer park,

not a pop-top was poppin',

not even Ole Blue barked.

Our stockin's was hung

over the space heater with care,

in the hopes that Santy

would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was asleep

in their NASCAR pj's,

Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,

Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.

And Earlene in her curlers

and me in my Earnhardt cap,

had just settled into our La-Z-Boys

for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.

Then out in the vacant lot

I heart such a commotion,

I thought it was neighbor Clyde,

finally got his T'bird in motion.

I heaved out of my recliner

and to the window I flew,

Busted out the screen

and hollered to Ole Blue.

The moon was shinin down

on my old wrecked cars,

so bright they was sparklin'

like rusty old stars.

And I couldn't believe

by own hardworkin' eyes,

when a jacked-up Chevy pickup

come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead

his possums they came,

and he whooped and hollered

and called 'em by name:

"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!

Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!

On Blackie! On Queenie!

You mind me Duchess and Bud!"

"To the top of the satellite dish!

To the top of the shed!

Now move it n' Step on it!

Ya'll get out the lead!"

You know how on our old road

whenev'r a car goes by,

there's all this dirt

that flys up into the sky?

That's how this crew

went straight on up to my roof,

with that pickup full of toys,

a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.

Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in

I heerd up on the tin,

the scrabbling around

of them flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer

and hitched up my shorts,

Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came

with a grunt and a snort!

He was dressed in red-and-green camo

from his neck to his feet,

and I had to give him credit

he still had most of his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale

slung on his back,

There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,

an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.

When he winked his eye

I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,

why, he just might even

leave me some ammo tonight!

I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail

while I watched him work,

then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's

with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,

then squoze up that dryer vent

like Spam in your pocket.

He jumped in his pickup,

laid down on the horn,

And I'm not lyin',

they took off with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heard him holler

as he headed for the 7-11,

"Merry Christmas to all!

And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

[Cerebral_Assassin]

And then we have this too...........

12 Redneck Days Of Christmas

[Cerebral_Assassin]

And here's one written by a fellow from Arkansas...........

A Redneck Christmas Carol

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,

Not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,

The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,

All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,

For killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,

To getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,

I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,

Like something was caught in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,

The man makin' the racket was Good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,

Dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, our fair state he won't fail'er,

He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,

He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,

He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,

I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,

He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said "Light Beer",

There was no red hat, his cap read "John Deere".

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,

Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh,

Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.

And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,

"Merry Christmas to all, And to all ...A Bud Lite!"

[Cerebral_Assassin]

You Know It's A

Redneck Christmas...

...when you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carollers away.

...when you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

...when your favorite Christmas ornament depicts Santa Claus shooting a moon

...when your favorite Christmas movie is "Jurassic Park."

...when your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.

...when you get your Christmas Tree from a rest stop at night.

...when you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.

...when your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

...when your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is with gin, brandy, and bourbon.

...when you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

...when your favorite Christmas tradition involves a bonfire and reindeer meat.

[Redneck4sure]

I'm glad y'all are thinkin' about me.

When he winked his eye

I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,

why, he just might even

leave me some ammo tonight!

My favorite line. :bigsmile:

[KiwiCoromandel]

Redneck Christmas Lights......... :rolleyes:

[KiwiCoromandel]

and then there`s this to top it off...

REDNECK CHRISTMAS TREE TOPPER......

[Redneck4sure]

are you sellin'?

[DudeAsInCool]

and then there`s this to top it off...

REDNECK CHRISTMAS TREE TOPPER......

:rotfl:

[slum_goddess]

and then there`s this to top it off...

REDNECK CHRISTMAS TREE TOPPER......  

so is the rest of this accurate, redneck? the wife in the curlers, the seven dogs, the tupperware or whatever?

[DUTCH-ONLINE]

HAPPY HOLLIDAY,S

[rainbowdemon]

Cool Dutch!! Just about gave me a heart attack.

[Redneck4sure]

so is the rest of this accurate, redneck? the wife in the curlers, the seven dogs, the tupperware or whatever?

Duh!!! Ain't that the way it is at your trailer?

[slum_goddess]

i've only got the redneck in the maid's uniform over here. (and he's doing a piss-poor job)

[Redneck4sure]

i've only got the redneck in the maid's uniform over here. (and he's doing a piss-poor job)

and you were expecting???

[slum_goddess]

someone who fits into the uniform properly (and the shoes, dammit!) and has a cheery smile while i'm ordering them around. and someone i don't have to tell 'put that goddamn metal back into your head' and doesn't forget the nosering, of course. oh, and someone who doesn't bitch when i complain about running out of stuff.

what were you expecting?

[Redneck4sure]

A hoochie mama wearing only a thong if anything at all. A real biker's dream. You know, one that can suck start a Harley. :bigsmile:

You think we both expect too much?

[DudeAsInCool]

[slum_goddess]

A hoochie mama wearing only a thong if anything at all. A real biker's dream. You know, one that can suck start a Harley. :bigsmile:

You think we both expect too much?

Dude! yee-haaah is not a foreign policy (sorry, every time i see one of those signs, that's what i think of)