Human Resources

[Shawn]

Saw this at Napsterites

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1, 20XX

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place

on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the

Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a

small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And

don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among

employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over

$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This

gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by

our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2, 20XX

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often

coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,

from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy

applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still

celebrating

Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We

will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy

Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3, 20XX

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy

to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,

"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to

handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the

union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe

$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 7, 20XX

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does

not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House

can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else

package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

Will that

work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest

from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to

the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not

have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there

will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person

asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be

available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the

food so we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant

cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Fu%#ing Employees

DATE: December 10, 20XX

RE: The Fu%#ing Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep

this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit

quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so

quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu%#ing salad bar, including

organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They

scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them

scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you sorry

pieces of dawg s#%t, do you all hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from Human Resources HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14, 20XX

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery

and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and

give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays .. or Happy Day Off .. as applicable. Joan

[DudeAsInCool]

lol

[rainbowdemon]

Political correctness may make it come to that.

Funny story!!

[Umma]

LOL ... poor Patty

Unfortunately we live in nations where we are completely spoiled for choice and have the freedom to use it accordingly. It's a shame we take it so much for granted to think that all things come as our 'right' and abuse the benefits we are so lucky to have.