There's No Sex In the Champagne Room - Chris Rock

[DudeAsInCool]

Chris Rock's spoof on the silly Sunscreen, the advice of which has no more depth than that poster of the kitten that says "Hang In There" on it. Severely edited when broadcast on the radio and MTV, here are the words of Rock's moving graduation speech...

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the G.E.D. class of 1999, I have one piece of advice for you: No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the Champagne Room. None. Oh, there's champagne in the Champagne Room, but you don't want champagne. You want sex. And there's no sex in the champagne room.

Don't go to parties with metal detectors. Sure, it feels safe inside, but what about all those niggaz wiggin' outside wit' guns? They know you ain't got one.

If a woman tells you she's 20, and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26, and looks 26, she's damn near 40!

Take off that silly-ass hat.

The ODB couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes. Coolio did some of that shit.

Young black men, if you go to a movie theater, and someone steps on your foot, let it slide. Why spend the next 20 years in jail 'cause someone smudged your Puma?

Cornbread - ain't nothin' wrong with that!

No matter what you think of what I'm saying, remember this one thing: there is no sex in the Champagne Room!

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.

If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue, he'll probably suck your dick.

Here's a horoscope for everyone:

Aquarius - You're gonna die

Capricorn - You're gonna die

Gemini - You're gonna die twice

Leo - You're gonna die

Scorpio - You're gonna die fuckin'

No one goes to Hooters for wings.

If you've been dating a guy for 4 months, and you haven't met any of his friends, you are not his girlfriend!

Some of the things I've said may not apply to you. Some of the things I've said may offend you. But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing: No matter what a stripper says, there's no sex in the Champagne Room. None.

http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=141124

[slum_goddess]

yeah, he's amusing. i recently got turned on to bill hicks and am now reading his biography. he's amerikan and a hero here in the UK but unfortunately, being amerikan, i never heard of him there...bastards.

[rainbowdemon]

A little off topic, but S.G., why is it always Amerika with a k? The curiosity is starting to get to me.

:wha':

[slum_goddess]

if you read kafka's 'amerika' (or any kafka, really) you'll see. :) as well, i was in germany straight after it all began to go to shit. my german teachers encouraged us to spell everything we could the german way...somehow it seemed fitting. (layers of irony!)

[slum_goddess]

it's not just me:

Part of me wants to weep for this country being so passive and doomed. Part of me prays for us to wake up. Part of me wants to run away until it all is over (the same Part that thinks it will be so fun when it all comes tumbling down on Amerika's collective thick skulls).

from a comment on this page (i run across people spelling like this almost every day, in comments here and there)

[Redneck4sure]

Don't go to parties with metal detectors. Sure, it feels safe inside, but what about all those niggaz wiggin' outside wit' guns? They know you ain't got one.

Chris Rock is funny as Hell. I like the gun one. He is very correct.....funny but very correct. I hate to visit someone in several of the hospitals around here at night. You can't carry your gun inside and the hospitals are in the worst parts of town. Parking maybe a block or more away and the thugs know you are unarmed. The liberals call them, "safe zones". People with sense call them, "victim zones" or "safe for criminals zones".

Edited April 3, 2005 by Redneck4sure

[wingnut2600]

Chris Rock is funny as Hell. I like the gun one. He is very correct.....funny but very correct. I hate to visit someone in several of the hospitals around here at night. You can't carry your gun inside and the hospitals are in the worst parts of town. Parking maybe a block or more away and the thugs know you are unarmed. The liberals call them, "safe zones". People with sense call them, "victim zones" or "safe for criminals zones".

My God, where do you live? The prison planet of biker rapists? Do gangs of mutated crack addicts adorned with rusty nails and carrying 2x4s with embedded saw blades walk the streets in broad daylight?

I cannot imagine what sort of paranoid, fear-centered existence you must have on a day to day basis. Always looking over your shoulder; putting your hand on your gun to feel the reassuring cool metal of the revolver when you see a young man stroll past.

I have a suggestion. Just stay in your home. That way you will not accidentally shoot some innocent person due to your being a coward.

[Redneck4sure]

I never carry a revolver because they don't hold enough ammo. You stay at home and I won't accidentally shoot you.

I will remind you that personal attacks are not allowed on this board. :)

[slum_goddess]

crack addicts adorned with rusty nails and carrying 2x4s with embedded saw blades walk the streets in broad daylight

pretty much where i once lived (lower east side NYC, once) but i never carried a gun.

[Redneck4sure]

I don't think you can legally carry one there anyway but I am not positive. I didn't carry one here until it became legal. I know it was January and I think the yr was 1996.

[wingnut2600]

Yeah... the coward part was out of line... I was just in the mood to be extra snarky... but I would still hate to feel that sort of fear.

I have been mugged before, but I was damned drunk (lets say about 5 doubles in an hour period... no shit) and walking home from a bar in the shadows near train tracks where the transients hung... so it was my fault. I was more depressed about other things than being mugged. That didn't really make me afraid... honestly, I am more the person that people have to worry about then the other way around.

I knew somebody that packed concealed a nazi luger and was always talking about how when people walked towards him at night he would pull it on people. He was an intimidating guy too... A butcher with big knives.

I think just being aware is a better strategy to keep from being rolled than to pack. Shit gets out of hand when you pull a gun. Man, do I have a related story to that...

[Redneck4sure]

I am constantly aware of my surroundings. I do carry a Glock but I don't pull it on people. I don't get drunk. I avoid high crime areas but sometimes you have little choice. I don't consider myself paranoid but I think I am cautious. You can think I am paranoid if you want and you may be correct. I used to feel fear when I wound up in some undesirable places knowing that if several people were to jump you or even one big guy, I was screwed. Now I don't. I make sure to stay a few feet away feeling secure should they try to jump me I can defend myself. I have taken many all day or multiple day gun classes. My cousin owns a gun range and is a professional gun instructor. My wife and my son are proficient but don't carry. To each his own as they say. In Texas I read how many conceal carry licenses there are but I don't remember. I think it is a few hundred thousand. I can't remember reading of any accidental shootings and only one case where a guy went nuts and shot a guy. I feel safer with a gun, others may not. I will say that if someone wants to have one around the house that they should get a little training and some practice. If they intend to carry it they should get more training and practice. I have seen a few people at the range taking the course for conceal carry and it was obvious they didn't have a clue. As long as they don't need to shoot it they are ok but their ability to handle the gun was so bad that I felt like they should get training or not carry one. If a person knows they have a bad temper or they are frequently drunk or high then they really should consider not having one at all. My brother used to stay drunk all the time and I wound up taking his pistol and I won't give it back. He doesn't drink like he used to but he still drinks.

Sorry you got mugged and I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt. Maybe you will have better luck in the future. :)

[wingnut2600]

Honestly, I am not against guns as much as I am sad that the world makes people desire them for their safety. I have shot semi-auto weapons, I have seen guns pulled on people a gun is just a focused explosion... safe as hell if noone is in the way.

I think being rational is most important with guns. I realize that if I were to carry, i would think about it all the time... and it would eventually become a viable option... to kill instead of talk.

I would rather get my ass beat down than see somebody die over something I was involved in... more than likely nobody will die.

And, by the way, I will have better luck in the future, because i will not be stumbling, falling-down drunk in the worst area of town... If I were not drunk, i wouldn't have been attacked at all. A person put it this way... I was not mugged as much as I was a drunk that was rolled... and that was extra sad.

[DudeAsInCool]

Never owned a gun. Never will carry a gun. I've been in some fairly seedy places, that some might consider dangerous - but I dont and am not going to begin living my life in fear. No one is ever gonna mug this dude and I sure as hell aint worried about it ;)

[slum_goddess]

i got ripped off once. i ran down the street after them, shouting for them to 'give me back a fucking dollar, goddammit so i could get to work' (on the subways)...i threatened to go to the police (shouting, straight and outraged as hell). it took 3 blocks but they finally did it (this was 8AM on the lower east side, i must've woken up the entire neighborhood but i was pissed). (of course there weren't any cops around)

[Shawn]

This thread got me going on comedians so I grabbed some stuff by Bill Hicks, Chris Rock and George Carlin. :good job:

Back to Chris Rock....I just watched "Never Scared". It's pretty recent material, dealing with the standards of marriage, drugs and gov't, but also Jacko, R. Kelly, etc.

I give it a 4.5 out of 5. Really funny shit.

[slum_goddess]

bill hicks is my latest hero. i can totally understand why his shit dint go down in the states (not so amazingly, he became like a god over here until the day he died). two years back, these dudes were driving us from manchester to london and put on a bill hicks CD. we were dying laughing in the backseat...they go YOU NEVER HEARD OF HIM? AND YOU'RE AMERIKAN?