The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

[Shawn]

I really like this show, it is the only program besides West Wing or That 70's show that I strain myself to watch.

So, I watched it on one of the national networks tonight. It was a pretty good copy, so I thought I'd check out some way to keep the episode 'for educational study'. The show comes on again a 1/2 hour later on cable, so I started to set up my capture card.

There I was, setting up the Digital VCR function, when I realized that the card could capture 'Closed Captioning Transcripts'.

So I tried it on the first 15 minutes, it works like a charm, other than it doesn't capture scene description.

Here is the result, with me adding scene description in [tags]. It's a pretty long read, but has some good material.

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February 5, 2004. This is the "Daily Show" with Jon Stewart.

(Cheers and applause) theme music (cheers and applause)

Jon: Hey, everybody welcome to the "daily show". My name is Jon Stewart. Fine program tonight, we have Norah Jones with us tonight, the talented singer not to be confused with the [eastern European] folk singer with the same name as many of you are also big fans of. I don't know what the kid listen to anymore quite frankly.

(Laughter)

Jon: Tell you about the glamorous life of show business, our studio is located in New York’s glamorous crack whore district. Please come at night and hopefully you'll see the morning.

(Laughter)

Jon: We didn't have water in the building today and the DEPP came by and told me this and I didn't realize you could do this when you don't have water you're legally allowed in New York City to pee out your window.

(Laughter)

Jon: The way he described it to me that's where the pipes empty out any way on the street. There is no sewage or septic system.

(Laughter)

Jon: Come for the Broadway shows, stay for the urine soaked streets.

(Laughter)

Jon: Let’s begin tonight with the most anticipated film of the year. If you're like me, most movies that you watch with the word passion in the title, air on Cinemax between midnight and 4:00 A.M.

Jon: But today the world finally got a glimpse of a different cinematic passion, "the passion of the Christ". According to Mel Gibson it is a accurate depiction of the final 12 hours of Jesus’ life, and according to some critics a two hour blood fest.

[At this point they flash to a scene of driving nails through his hands.

Jon: Je……..pers. That was interesting. For more let's go to Rob Corddry who saw the movie today, joining us live from right outside a theater in Manhattan where he has just seen...

(Cheers and applause)

[Flash to picture of Rob Corddry, looking like somebody just shot his mother.

Jon: Rob Corddry, has just seen the "the passion of the Christ". Rob thank you for joining us. Tell us your thoughts about the film.

(Laughter)

Jon: Rob? Rob, can you hear me? How was the movie "the passion of the Christ"?

[long pause]

Rob: Bloody. Real bloody. I was in god-spell so kind of expecting more of a 70s pop rainbow suspendery kind of Jesus but this was....

Jon: Rob the big issue several are talking about is anti-Semitism. Did you get any that from the movie?

Rob: I don’t... that's kind of a brain question, Jon. It's kind of the movie you'll watch more from a stomach place.

Jon: Was there anything in it you thought was transcendent or uplifting in the film?

Rob: I enjoyed some of the pre-film entertainment in the movie theater, the screen scramble.

[Laughter as they cut to an image of the Cross, with his face removed and a word scramble: _ _ _ _ _ S U J E S]

Rob: That was kind of fun. Solving that.

Jon: Obviously this was an extremely moving and powerful experience for you.

Rob: Yeah, yeah, I should probably get going. I left my two little nephews that came with me waiting inside.

Jon: What did they think of the film?

Rob: Hard to tell, all of the crying. A lot of questions about the movie: Rob, why are they beating that man and why are they beating him again? And I said…. because he loves everybody.

(Laughter)

Jon: All right, rob, thank you very much.

Rob: Yeah, see you in hell.

Jon: Rob Corddry, everybody.

(Cheers and applause)

Jon: Now, as you know Gibson’s new film is surrounded in controversy at particular issue a scene in which Jews witnessing Jesus’ trial invoke a curse upon themselves and their descendants. Gibson clarified his position on the matter during an interview last week with ABC's Diane Sawyer.

[Cut to interview clip]

Mel: And it's said that all Jews from all times are cursed by god, calling it curse for all times, this is not true. All Jews for all times are not cursed by god.

[Cut back to Jon]

Jon: Okay, happy now, Jews?

(Laughter)

Jon: I, the star of Air America proclaim thee uncursed.

(Laughter)

Jon: Later in the interview, Gibson generously shared credit for the films screenplay.

[Cut to interview clip]

Diane: Do you believe god liked this film?

Mel: Wow. God’s order is in everything. God made my bed, you know.

(Laughter)

Jon: Mel Gibson is one lazy mother [No audio so just guess]. Can't you make your own bed, God has things to do! Make your bed, I have a famine. Oh, Gibson’s bed.

(Laughter)

Jon: Last night ‘the Mel’ continued his P.R. Blitz by sitting down with Bill O’Reilly to enumerate on, among other things, the appearance of evil.

[Cut to interview clip]

Mel: Evil pervades certain areas and comes to each us of in an individual way to best ensnare us. Firstly wants to make you believe it doesn't exist. Secondly, I think when it comes it will come in a magnetic form not holding a neon sign with steam coming out of it.

(Laughter)

[Obscure potshot at a Fox broadcaster by Stewart]

Jon: For his holy junket the star managed to keep squarely on message. That message the suffering endured by Mel Gibson.

[Cut to interview clip, after removing a stale bit]

Mel: I think any time you delve into religion & politics, as you well know, you're going to touch a few nerves. It's like mud slinging nasty editorials.

O’Reilly: Nastiest I have ever seen.

Mel: But anything worthwhile you have to suffer for, I believe. It's called suffering for art.

Jon: Yes courageous move releasing a pro-Jesus film in America. Very, unusually bold. Some where I believe Solomon Rushdie is playing the world's smallest sitar just now.

(Laughter)

[Cut out a story about some idiot making ‘Crucifixion Nails’ themed jewelry]

Jon: “The passion of the Christ” has already proven so successful its effects are being felt in other aspects of the movie business.

[Large sign says ‘Movie Phone’]

(Telephone ringing)

AI Voice: Welcome to movie phone to select "the passion of the Christ", press one. To select Jesus Christ as your personal savior, press two. For one of they who mocked him, I say unto thee press three. To hear the instructions again, in tongues, press four.

(Laughter)

[sound of four being pressed]

(Talking inaudibility)

(Laughter)

Jon: I don't imagine we'll get any letters at all. We'll be right back.

(Applause)

Jon: Welcome back to the program. Now to our ongoing coverage for the race of the White House. With both parties hoping to expand the base among younger voters, Samantha Bee discovered if either party expects young voters to put them over the top, they want to rethink that.

[Flash to taped report from Samantha Bee]

Samantha: In 1990 rock the boat was founded as a way to use famous musicians to make voting seem cool to young people. And ever since youth voter turn out has plunged. We sat down with rock the vote president Jehmu (RED) Green, known to her friends as Red.

Samantha: Why are you trying to drive down youth voter turnout?

Red: We're trying to increase youth voter turnout.

Samantha: How do you explain this list of performers who support rock the boat, Reba McEntire, Elton John, Hootie and the Blowfish?

Red: All of those artists have millions of people...

Samantha: Coolio.

Red: Coolio was cool at one point.

Samantha: You're telling me you want young people to vote and you dangle Donnie Osmond?

Red: He has a lot of fans.

(Laughter)

Samantha: Name one.

Red: Are you a fan?

[samantha shakes her head slowly, the camera continuing to focus on the two women until it is blatantly obvious that ‘Red’ doesn’t plan to offer her own name as an Osmond fan]

[skip ahead, past the in-the-street demonstration outside a rap concert in Minnesota. The volunteers fail to get a single person interested on camera]

Samantha: It looks like they're rocking has all but ceased. Last week they hosted a debate for the presidential candidates on C.N.N., The MTV for the over 60 sell.

[Cut to the two women watching footage of the town hall style debate]

Samantha: What do you see here?

Red: I see a group of young people engaged in having an issue dialogue with the candidates.

Samantha: That’s funny, because when I look at it this is what I see, narc, narc, narc, math teacher, narc. Yet rock the vote still pretends to know young voters.

Red: Young voters care about finding a job, they care about having health care. They care about being able to afford a higher education.

[Flash out to the street, Samantha interviewing today’s youth]

Samantha: What are some of the issues you care about?

Girl: I don't really care too much.

Guy: Issues, um, like I care about the realness of music.

[back inside, the two women again facing each other]

Samantha: Finally we fully understood rock the vote's true agenda. You are [No audio, but it rhymes with rock]-Blocking the vote.

Red: We are not trying to [No audio, same word]-Block the vote. And as long as they're out there lubricating the youth of America, we will be greased up and ready to go.

Samantha: I don't know.

(Cheers and applause)

Jon: Thank you, Samantha Bee.

[DudeAsInCool]

Very clever, Jon Stewart is. I'm a longtime Letterman fan...cant stand Leno. I think I will check out Stewart now...he sounds as smart as Letterman... : B)