This Is Amazing

[DudeAsInCool]

And you can buy it right now for only $22 bucks right here

Get it

[Redneck4sure]

Sorry but I think I will spend my $22 on ammo.....or maybe a tank of gas........for my lawn mower.

[Shawn]

He'll snap your neck if you don't buy it.

[Lord_of_the_Dense]

He needs to snap that guitar neck and kill off some baddies with the strings.

[Excrement_Cranium]

He sings happy songs about snapping necks and knocking out teeth with pool balls in bar towels.

It will truly touch your soul. And if you don't go buy it now, he will truly touch yoru balls.

[Redneck4sure]

Ok.....I'll go buy it. I'd hate to think of what would happen if I downloaded it for free.

[Tiremonkey2000]

i don't think so

[method77]

[Wolfie]

And I thought worst had already over when Hasslehoff started to sing.

[Redneck4sure]

And I thought worst had already over when Hasslehoff started to sing.

Have you heard Shatner or Nimoy sing? It doesn't get any worse. Even the deaf people complain.

[Potato]

LOL oh my god that's freaking terrible....

[Excrement_Cranium]

Ok.....I'll go buy it. I'd hate to think of what would happen if I downloaded it for free.

You wouldn't believe what he would touch... or how.... :(

[Redneck4sure]

You wouldn't believe what he would touch... or how.... :(

Yeah, and I hate it when a man touches me there.

[Excrement_Cranium]

It's okay, as long as there is only ONE hand on the shoulder. Otherwise, change doctors.

[KiwiCoromandel]

this man is baddd!!!....this guitar kills!!!...i used to like segal movies...especially the one about the rastafarians when they had the hell car chase and drove a couple of bmw`s .......through a department store window.....now that was fun....have you noticed how fat he (segal) has become in his latest movies?......he plays the drums too did you know?.. :) :)

edit : i remember the name of the movie now..it was called : "marked for death" (1990)..the rastafarian drug lords name was "screwface"........

[DudeAsInCool]

Didnt know that, but it doesnt surprise me - the man can do anything. I think I mentioned in another thread that i was at his house once - the man ate and drank in front of us and didnt offer us anything His butt also wiggles when he runs in movies

[KiwiCoromandel]

Jean Claude Van Damme

vs.

Steven Seagal

The Commentary

DAVE 1/2 NELSON: And to think I was expecting a difficult scenario for my first Grudge Match! Van Damme is superior to Seagal in every conceivable way; you may as well prepare yourself for your inevitable drubbing. First of all, Seagal is no match for Van Damme physically. Many years ago, perhaps, he was in fighting condition, but now he's bloated and out of shape . Jean-Claude, on the other hand, is lean and fit. He truly is The Muscles from Brussels. What's Seagal? The Pansy from Lansing?

And that brings me to my next irrefutable point. The makers of the McBain movie will want the lead actor to approximate McBain's Germano-Austrian (???) accent as closely as possible. While a Belgian accent isn't exactly the same, it comes a hell of a lot closer than the dialect of Lansing, Michigan (Seagal's home town).

Van Damme has all the tools to win this role. He has a sound mind in a sound body. Seagal is like a Hostess Twinkie. A tubby little frame with nothing of value inside. The way I see it, Van Damme lands a spinning backfist to Seagal's head and says "I'm the repo man...and you're out of business" (Van Damme, Street Fighter).

JOHN: First of all, welcome aboard, Dave. I know you must be intimdiated running up against the ol' Thinkmaster, but please. The incoherent blubberings offered in your initial arguments don't really flatter you. There is no way Jean-Claude Van Damme is walking out of that room with the McBain role. "Take it to the bank. The blood bank!" (Seagal, Hard to Kill)

Van Damme, when he's not taking on terrifying opponents such as beloved cultural icon Raul Julia, is demonstrating his lack of verbal virtuosity by NOT nailing the chicks from Friends. (What kind of pick up line is "Want to have a three way?" (Van Damme, Friends). I thought that was the exclusive domain of drunken frat boys.) And just how is Van Damme supposed to relay the McBain wit when it's difficult to even understand him? BTW, how's Van Damme have any practice sounding German? Aren't the only German words spoken in Belgium "This way to France, mein Herr." (Belgians, episodically)?

Steven Seagal, on the other hand, is an AC-TOR! This is evident from the way he takes roles not known for their bellicoseness - firefighter, chef, EPA agent, Buddhist Monk, and turns them into paragons of Asskickery™. Moreover, Seagal is experieced in using all forms of weapons, not just guns and fists: pool cues, broom sticks, credit cards ("Do you accept plastic?", Seagal, Glimmer Man), coconut oil, his opponents' own forearms, the list goes on. Clearly, the role goes to Seagal, both for his ability to form coherent sentences, and for his fistic abilities.

One last thing: why doesn't "Timecop" Van Damme go back in time to stop production on "Double Team"? God, that movie sucked.

DAVE: The lack of thought you put into your arguments is rivalled only by the lack of effort you put into your personal hygeine. It's a wonder they don't call you "Stinkmaster". You mock Van Damme's blunt suggestion of a "friend"ly menage a trois, but this was actually role research! McBain exhibits the same level of blunteness. This is the man who told his musical director "Nice outfit. It makes you look like a homosexual" (McBain, Up Late with McBain). And what you call an "inability" to form coherent sentences will only bring Van Damme closer to winning the role. McBain isn't all that articulate either, or hadn't you noticed?

I'm sorry, did you call Seagal an AC-TOR?!?! You must be overdue for some medication or something. Seagal as a Buddhist monk or EPA agent is laughable. McBain is a no-nonsense, in-your-face, action hero. Seagal's wimpy roles to date leave him sorely wanting for experience in the McBain genre. Fans of Mr. Ranier Wolfcastle's work don't want to see household items used as weapons, they want to see guns and fists! Van Damme is the true master of both. As Frank "Put up your" Dux, he won the deadly Kumite tournament of martial arts. Seagal wouldn't last 5 minutes before someone ripped the dopey ponytail from his empty skull. I doubt he could even raise his flabby arms to defend himself! As Van Damme once said, "Offence gets the glory, but defence wins the game" (Van Damme, Double Team.)

Jean Claude Van Damme will pummel Seagal into such pulp that investors will pull out of "Under Siege 3: Where's My Burrito?". Meanwhile, Van Damme will launch a highly successful McBain franchise and make millions of dollars marketing McBain Funny Foam. Then, he'll turn out the sequel, "McBain: Let's Get Silly™", giving Van Damme a chance to showcase his hidden comedic talent. And it all starts with a kick to Seagal's gut, and the line "Don't f**k with me, I'm about to have a very bad day" (Van Damme, Sudden Death).

JOHN: Dave, I was hoping I wouldn't have to say this, but you leave me no option. "If your daddy knew how stupid you were, he'd trade you in for a pet monkey." (Seagal, Fire Down Below)

Your increasing dementia regarding Van Damme's fitness and fighting ability has provided me with many hours of private hilarity, which I am now pleased to share with our audience. If you're not down with the fact that Van Damme is a pushover, I've got two words for you: Chuck Zito. That and the fact that Van Damme is so terrified of the Y2K bug, he's planning on fleeing to Australia like a puny little girl . There's no way Seagal would do that - in fact, I foresee a dramatic encounter involving him disabling the Y2K bug worldwide at the last possible moment and defeating the evil genius responsible for it. (I refer, of course, to Oprah™.) Seagal has fought his way through countless bar fights filled with mercenaries, hillbillies, and hired goons and you're telling me he couldn't take out a Belgian?

Your "role research" argument above is a bit of inspired lunacy, except without any inspiration. How does not landing a Friends babe make Van Damme like McBain, who "sleeps on a pile of money with many beautiful women"? (McBain, Coming Attractions). Speaking of his questionable tastes, you don't see Seagal taking roles involving dressing up in spandex tights (Van Damme, Street Fighter), or appearing in a movie about breakdancing (Van Damme, Breakin'). As Seagal might say, "I'm not trained for this" (Seagal, Under Siege II). And thank goodness for that!

Face it, Dave. Van Damme might be able to land a supporting role in "Help, My Son Is A Nerd!", or possibly Yentl, but that's where it ends. Seagal will punt all four foot eight of Van Damme through Dreamworks' plate glass window (where he will fall 27 floors on to a gas truck which subsequently explodes), pick up the

script for the McBain movie, and tell the Hollywood bigwigs "This, I'm trained for" (Seagal, Under Siege II)....

source:ground zero