New Court of Opinion set up

[MikeHunt]

New Court of Public Opinion to be set up

13 Feb 2004 by Matt Knight

Following on from the triumph of leadership that was the Government's Big Conversation, the Home Office announced today that it will be building a new Court of Public Opinion.

Not content with its abstract form, the new bricks and mortar site will decide on cases which are deemed to be potentially sensitive or damaging to the Government's popularity. The Court will sit every week for the eighteen months preceding a general election.

The announcement was made by none other than David "Bananas" Blunkett at a press conference in Central London. In a symbolic move he delivered his speech from a set of gigantic scales. The born-again Christian and ex-convict Jonathan Aitkin, who stood holding a plastic sword sprayed with gold paint, accompanied Mr Blunkett.

Mr Blunkett outlined his vision: "Each week tabloid newspapers will publish a list of names and a short, impartial description of their crimes. These people will be either criminals, people accused of a crime or people who are totally and utterly innocent."

He continued: "Readers will then vote on whether a person is guilty or whether a criminal should be released from jail. Readers will be able to text, phone or log on to www.lynchmob.gov.uk to register their vote. All voters will be entered into a special prize draw."

Every Saturday the votes will be counted and the two newly appointed judges – Rebekah Wade and Paul Dacre – will carry out sentencing. They will have a number of punishments available to them, including:

* Death threats

* Hate mail

* Vigilante beatings

* Smashing up of personal property

* Hounding people out of neighbourhoods

* Whipping up a public frenzy

* Racism, sexism and general bigotry

* Total humiliation leading to suicide

In the interests of impartiality Trevor Kavanagh QC will act as defence barrister for all the accused.

The Government has earmarked a number of sites all over London for the proposed building. Unconfirmed reports suggest that they are particularly interested in a brownfield site near Wapping, in east London.

Mr Blunkett explained that in order to ensure procedural fairness, the Government had commissioned a study to look at areas that encouraged the widest amount of opinions. He admitted that east London appeared to be the safest bet, but pointed out that a site in West Kensington also had a very good chance of winning.

The Court will be the highest in the land until the Supreme Court is established, when it is thought that Lord Campbell of Truculent Bastard (a small village near his beloved Burnley) will assume control of not only the UK but also the Universe. Lord Foster has been commissioned to design Lord Campbell his own staircase and lectern.