The History Of The World

[Shawn]

This is by no means new, but it's funny.

The history was written by teachers, using snippets from various wrong answers received over the years.

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Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and

they all wrote in hydraulics and they traveled by Camelot. They

lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the

inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created

from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my

brother's son?" Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark.

One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea,

where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any

ingredients. Moses went up on Mount

Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached

Canada.

David was a Hebrew King who fought the Philatelists. Solomon,

who was David's son, had three hundred wives and seven hundred

porcupines.

The Greeks invented 3 kinds of columns- corinthian, doric and

ironic. they were a highly sculptured people,and without them we

wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female

moth. The mother of Achilles dipped him in a river until he became

intolerable.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but

by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went

around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an

overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic

decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races,

jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor

was a coral wreath.

Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks.

The Romans never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.

The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be

made

king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing

the fiddle to them.

King Harlod mustarded his troops before the battle of hastings.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice

for the same offense.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for

selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, becoming

excommunicated by a bull.

In midevil times most people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many

poems and verses and also wrote

literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an

arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a

queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops

they all shouted "hurrah." She and her navy defeated the Spanish

Armadillo

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg

invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was

the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure

because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis

Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The painter

Donatello's interest in the female nude caused him to become the father

of the Rennasaince

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was

William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his

birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his

plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in

Islamic

pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a romantic couplet.

Romeo's last wish was to be laid by

Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was

Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was

John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he

wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a

great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the

Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called

Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the

settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was

responsible for all

this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War

was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send

their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists

won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented

Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two

singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered

electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse

divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is

still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure

domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the

right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest

Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log

cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the

slaves by signing the

Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln

went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a

moving picture show. The

believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.

This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.

Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the

autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a

large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster

which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. He

was the most famous composer in the world and so was

Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was

very large.

Beethoven wrote Loud music because he was deaf. He took long

walks in the forest even when everyone

was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and

later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and

catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,

but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire

is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the

longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman

who

practiced Virtue. Her death was the big event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and

inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing

by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers

to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick

raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a

cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ

of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became

one of the Marx brothers.

In the American west there was a trail called the Santa Fe trail,

which ended (for some quitters)at bents fort.

[method77]

me deleted my dumb reply