HolyMoly

"Cowgirl" (Underworld) True humor. When I was going to college, I was a D.J. at my campus radio station. We ran a low-power carrier-current transmitter, broadcasting on 660 AM, and usually signed off at Midnight. The bad news is that we had a strict "top-30" airplay list that changed weekly and we weren't allowed to stray too far from it. So, I went to the station manager and asked him if I could extend my 10PM-Midnight show to 1:00 AM ... and if, after Midnight, I could play more "progressive" rock that didn't get much airplay. Since our carrier-current license gave us broad leeway in hours, the manager said it would be OK. Now ... picture this (grin). The college I went to was a private college owned by the United Church of Christ. And one night, I happened to play two songs ... "The Divine Toe, Part I and II" by The Fugs and "Bwana Dik" by the Mothers of Invention. Both are exceptionally raunchy songs, hehe. Anyhoo, the Dean of Students happened to be staying up late that night and tuned into my show. The next day, my Midnight-to-1AM experiment came to an abrupt end. Hehe, no sense of humor.

The Dairy Queen employees you never see...

Comcast is also beginning to offer VOIP service but only in "selected areas." Mine isn't one of them ... at least, not yet. And from what I've heard, the rates they're planning to offer are worse than rates currently charged by Vonage.com -- which is the VOIP provider I'll be using in less than a week. It's funny that QWest is getting into the market. To my knowledge, they have no cable-internet holdings ... just DSL. And while VOIP will work just fine over DSL, you have to have phone service already to get DSL. So, their VOIP rates had better be pretty darn cheap or their cable competitors will eventually bury them. I used to have QWest DSL and have nothing but contempt for their service (or lack thereof). They tried to stiff me on a modem rebate promise until I went to my state's utility commissioner to complain. And when I moved to another apartment, their "policy" required me to be offline for over 3 weeks waiting for an "upgraded" modem (at my expense) to arrive. I'm so very very glad I went to cable-broadband.

Here's a little inside scoop. A few years ago, the USA decided to be a good "international" neighbor and join WIPO (the World Intellectual Property Organization). By the time we joined, most industrialized countries (and some third-world countries) were already members ... agreeing to respect the copyrights of other member nations. So, when we joined, most other countries considered us to be a "Johnny-come-lately" country ... and doing it not in the spirit of international cooperation but out of self-interest. So, WIPO gave member countries a choice ... to respect U.S. copyrights originating prior to their joining ... or to not respect them. Most chose NOT to respect them. So, when you hear about countries (ahem) "condoning piracy" of U.S. copyrighted material, a lot of it is sour grapes on our part. It's not necessarily that other countries condone piracy of U.S. copyrighted material ... it's that a lot of countries feel our decision to join so late was a slap in their faces ... one they have no problem in reciprocating. Good show, Canada, for flipping the bird at our DMCA.

Surely you jest, hehe. That was about the rudest crudest game ever made. But, it did have the virtue of getting a lot of people to vent their spleens over it -- native American groups, women's groups, moral-majority types -- there was something about the game that everybody could hate. Perhaps the first of the "classy" games (of the naughty kind) to come out was McDoe - aka "Madame Ching's Dungeon of Ecstasy" developed by a North Carolina company, BSX International, for DOS PCs. The player imagines himself an astronaut who crash lands on the planet Tralfaz. The evil Madame Ching imprisons the player in her dungeon and injects him with sexual stimulants. In order to stay alive, the player must go through the dungeon's maze to find 3 things ... 3-condom packs, keys to doors, and women to screw (and the game won't let the player screw without condoms). The difficulty is that, while a player goes through the maze, his sexual tension level increases ... and if the player doesn't occasionally screw a woman, his balls explode and he loses the game. The "classy" part is that, besides having the ability to keep a "high score list," it's one of the first DOS game programs to include a "Boss Button." In short, if you're playing it at the office and see your boss coming your way, simply press the F2 key and the game dissolves into a fake DOS directory ... making it look like you might really be working (grin). When the boss goes away, press the ESC key and the game picks up where the player left off. Not bad for a game designed in 1990 when most people were still using DOS 4.01. I have that game and occasionally drag it out for memorobilia sake. I've never won the game (by escaping the dungeon) and probably never will. If anyone wants a peek, it's only a 62k zipfile ... and I can attach it to a later post.

Long before SVGA graphics ... in fact, long before VGA, EGA, and even CGA graphics ... a lot of clever people experimented with "ASCII art" to convey images on monochrome B/W or amber-colored monitors. I've found a website that takes "ASCII art" to a new level ... by animating it. However, I must warn you that the moving ASCII art on the following website (at the University of Stutgart in Germany) conveys a triple-X-rated image: WARNING!!! This graphic is rated XXX!!!.

ActiVision's first game was "Dragster" ... but the thing that gave them media attention was the fact that the game could be played on the Atari 2600. ActiVision did NOT licence from Atari ... they exerted creative control over the format since ActiVision designers (originally Atari designers) had helped to "create" the 2600 format. Other companies followed ActiVision in writing for the 2600 - including Mystique, creators of the most infamous video game of it's day -- CUSTER'S REVENGE -- which depicts a naked General Custer trying to cross a desert area while arrows come down at him, in order to get to the naked Indian squaw tied to a cactus. Object? Rape the squaw and win the game. Click here to download CUSTER'S REVENGE in PC-rom (and emulator).

True. But, there was a lot of "designer dissatisfaction" in the early days, too -- which is where ActiVision Games came from (disaffected Atati designers). BTW, a trivia question. When ActiVision made it's debut, they wanted their first game to capture a lot of media attention without having to "pay" for advertising. Name their first game release.

Ahhhh, a rip-off game. Pong was invented by Coleco (ahem, I have a working Coleco Pong console). But, Atari did rip it off for their C-100 system.

A British and an American explorer are walking through a thick African jungle when they come upon an odd clearing, with gems laid out in a decorative design. They begin to collect the gems when, all of a sudden, natives come out of nowhere, grab them both, and take them to their chief. "You have violated our sacred burial ground. For that, you must pay a price. Choose now, both of you -- will it be death or bunga. The American speaks up first, "I'll take the bunga." The chief nods to tribesmen who rip off the American's clothes and take turns giving him anal intercourse. Finally, when all the tribesmen are done, the American staggers off naked and bleeding into the jungle. Seeing this, the British explorer decided he'd show the chief that Englishmen were made of sterner stuff. He walks right up to the chief, looks him in the eyes and says, "I choose death!" The villagers murmur among themselves as the chief motions them into silence. "Very well, then ... let it be death ... BY BUNGA!!!"

Tsk tsk ... dogs and cats cohabitating. It's a growing trend, I think...

Oh, I don't know. The Weekly World News sometimes runs really deep, thought-provoking articles -- like THIS ONE,

An elderly man and his wife are sitting in rocking chairs on their front porch, rocking away the evening. All of a sudden, the wife reaches down to her side, picks up her cane, and strikes her husband hard across his lap. "What in the Hell was that for?" the man shrieks. "That was for 60 years of bad sex!" she replied ... and they begin rocking their chairs again. A couple of minutes later, the man stops rocking, reaches down to his side, picks up his cane, and strikes his wife hard across her lap. "And what in the Hell was that for?" his wife shrieks. He raises his eyebrows and replies, "That's for knowin' the difference."

Sign of the times:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," St. Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," St, Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." St. Peter replies, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's." =============================== Bill Gates dies and stands before St. Peter. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm not quite sure where to send you. You've been good at times and bad at others. So, I guess I'll give you a choice. Look upon these two visions - the one on my left is Hell - the one on my right is Heaven. Make your choice on where to spend eternity." Gates regards both visions. In Heaven, angels in white robes are fluttering about in clouds, smiling euphorically, playing harps, and singing hymns. In Hell, naked men and women are frolicking on an endless black-sand beach ... playing beach ball, drinking beer, having sex and laughing. "Well," Gates began, "they're both nice. But, to tell you the truth, I prefer Hell to Heaven." St. Peter snapped his fingers and in an instant, Gates was dispatched to Hell. A few weeks later, St. Peter decided to visit Hell to see how Gates was doing. Upon his arrival, he saw Gates chained to a big boulder of fiery hot brimstone, screaming in agony as demons taunted him and poked him with pitchforks. Gates noticed St. Peter and called out to him, "Hey! Where are the naked people, the beach ball, the drinking, the sex, the laughing ... this isn't the vision of Hell you showed me?" "Ohhhhh, that vision," St. Peter replied. "That was just the demo vision." =============================== Forrest Gump died and stood before St. Peter. "Welcome, Forrest, we've been expecting you," St. Peter began. "But things have changed up here. In order to get into Heaven, you must answer three progressively difficult questions. Now is not the time to be stupid." Forrest shrugs and replies, "Stupid is as stupid does." "Very well, then," St. Peter said. "Your first question -- Name two days of the week that begin with the letter "T". "Well," Forrest replies, "they's ta-day and ta-morrah." St. Peter wrinkles his brow. "Well, that's not exactly what I was looking for. But technically, you're correct ... so I'll give you credit for that one. Second question -- How many seconds are there in a year?" Forrest's face strains and, after a few moments, he replies, "Well, I thunk and I thunk and my math says twelve." St. Peter's eyebrows raise. "What gives you the idea that there are twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest shrugs. "Well, they's January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ..." "OK, OK, I see where you're going," St. Peter interrupts Forrest. "But again, you're technically correct so I'll give you credit for that one, too. Third question -- What is God's first name?" "Aw, shucks," Forrest replies with a laugh, "that's the EASY one. Everybody knows that God's first name is Andy!" St. Peter frowns. "Uh, Forrest, what makes you think that God's first name is Andy?" "Cuz it's in that song we always sing in church: Andyyyy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..." St. Peter laughs, opens the gates of Heaven and shouts, "RUN, FORREST, RUN..." =============================== (a 2-jokes-in-1-joke) There's a nuclear holocaust on Earth. And, in a matter of moments, the entire human population of Earth stands in a long line in front of St. Peter. Stunned by the multitude in front of him, St. Peter announces over a loudspeaker, "Due to the crowd, I'm dispensing with reading from the Book Of Life on every soul. Instead, to get into Heaven, you only have to answer one religious question. Screw up, and it's off to Hell you go." Way back in the line, one soul was shuddering. He had no religious knowledge whatsoever and was certain he'd screw up. And, little by little, the line moved forward ... until only two souls stood ahead of him. "What is the meaning of Christmas?" St. Peter asked soul #1. "That's the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ," the soul replied. "Very well ... in you go," St. Peter replied. "NEXT?" A second later, soul #2 stood in front of him. "OK, what is the meaning of Thanksgiving?" "That's the day we thank God for the bounty of the land," the soul replied. "Very well ... in you go," St. Peter replied. "NEXT?" Finally, the nervous soul stood shaking in front of St. Peter. "OK, what is the meaning of Easter?" The soul babbled and shook even more. "Look, I want to keep this line moving. Tell you what, I'll give you a hint. Jesus was crucified. Later, he was buried in a tomb. But three days later, an angel came down from Heaven, removed the stone that covered the tomb, and ..." "Wait! Wait!" the soul replied, smiling with excitement. "I think I've got it! He comes out of his hole and, if he sees his shadow, it's six more weeks of winter!" St. Peter frowns, pulls a handle, and the soul begins sliding down a long, long chute. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to the soul, he emerges in a triangular room ... with Satan there, laughing uncontrollably. "That was great, hehehe!" Satan said. "You should have seen the look on St. Peter's face when you told him that, hehehe. Tell you what. I'm a good sport. And, since you gave me a good laugh today, I'm going to give you a choice of spending eternity behind one of the three doors on these walls." The soul opened the first door, peeking inside. He saw other souls, screaming in agony, jumping up and down on red-hot brimstone while demons taunted them and poked them with pitchforks. He slammed the door shut. Then he opened the second door, peeking inside. He saw other souls swimming in a vast sea of boiling oil, screaming in agony and trying to reach solid ground while demons taunted them and poked them back down in the oil with their pitchforks. He slammed the door shut. Finally, he opened the third door, peeking inside. Inside, he saw a vast chamber filled with many male and female souls ... all standing waist-deep in human shit, drinking tea and having pleasant conversation. "Well," the soul said to Satan, "I guess I'll choose this door then." Satan pushed him in and shut the door, locking it from the outside. All of a sudden, the soul found himself standing waist-deep in human shit ... and just as quickly, a cup of hot tea appeared in his hand. He drank some and, just as quickly, the cup refilled itself. After a few minutes, he couldn't notice the foul smell anymore. And, the tea was quite good. He saw a few friends and went to join them in conversation. But, out of the corner of his eye, he could see a digital clock on the cavern wall ... counting backward: 0 years ... 0 days ... 9 minutes ... 7 seconds He went back to his tea and conversation. But out of the corner of his eye, he regarded the clock again: 0 years ... 0 days ... 3 minutes ... 14 seconds Again, he went back to his tea and conversation. But out of the corner of his eye, he regarded the clock again: 0 years ... 0 days ... 0 minutes ... 3 seconds, 2 seconds, 1 second, then... BONG...ONG....ONG...ONG -- sounded a loud bell. The tea cups vanished and everyone fell silent as Satan's voice came over a loudspeaker: "All right, tea time's over - back on your heads," as the clock on the wall read: 1999 years ... 364 days ... 59 minutes ... 59 seconds.

I was with them for years (no accidents, no tickets). But, their rates crept upward and upward. Every 6 months, I religiously check for quotes on auto insurance. And, starting in August, GEICO was beaten out by Safeco ... so now I'm with Safeco. When it comes to insurance companies, my only loyalty is to my own wallet (grin).

"The Stoned Guest" (P.D.Q. Bach)

Good interview. BTW, I saw Stevie Ray Vaughan before he was famous. His band was the "opening" band years ago during a tour of Fleetwood Mac.

Well, all that means is that she'll be nominated for next year's Grammy Awards ... and probably win on a "sympathy" vote among supporters.

I'd agree in most cases ... but certainly not all. I think Michael Jackson's fall from grace among fans began at approximately the same time he paid off that kid in 1993. BTW, glanced at a brief article in the National Enquirer (yeah, I know). It said that the charges against Jackson would kill Elizabeth Taylor, one of his biggest celeb supporters/defenders. But, there may be some truth to that. Taylor has suffered from lifelong diseases ... and if Jackson is found guilty, shattering her belief in his innocense, it certainly won't do her psyche any good. Speaking of which ... Jacko's first court date is now less than a month away.

I've not tried it myself. But, nobody seems to be hiding it. Even ZD.net allows people to download the latest version (CLICK HERE). From what I understand, it's not a standalone program ... it's just a spyware-removal program for Kazaa v2.6. Does anyone know if it works?

I've thought about it a lot. When a P2P entity comes out of the woodwork in a place no one can investigate or check records ... starts making grandiose claims of being backed by billionaires (see the article) ... and puts a shitload of registry entries in your Windows registry that don't dissolve upon uninstall, I begin to smell a lot of unrefrigerated fish. I wouldn't use ES5 if my life depended on it ... unless substantial and verifiable information from a competent news source is forthcoming. Even then, I'd be slightly suspicious. Some news sources will print almost anything if they think they're getting a "scoop" on a story.

I saw on the news that when cops arrived, Whitney had a bruised cheek an a cut lip. I also heard that when Bobby surrendered to cops, Whitney was "by his side." You know, it used to be that when women "stood by" their battering husbands, women used to excuse this by saying, "That's just the way some women are raised." Nowadays, such women are referred to by another word -- STUPID. I think batterers should have a 3-strikes rule. First offense, they get mandatory anger management counseling. Second offense, the police beat the crap out of the batterer, then send them to mandatory anger management counseling. Third offense? Send the batterer to prison for five years, telling inmates that any physical violence against the batterer will go unpunished as long as they don't kill the batterer. BTW, notice I didn't use the word "man" or "him" in that last paragraph. JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) statistics on emergency room admissions for domestic abuse report that just as many men as women are seen each year. Also, CLICK HERE for an article on battered men from ABC News, CLICK HERE for a similar article in the Orlando Sentinel, or CLICK HERE for a more recent article (10 days ago) in the Boston Globe. FWIW, there are a lot of organizations out there (more than most people know about) that deal with the issue of battered men. Many of them have credence because they are started or shepherded by women (battered men have mothers and sisters, too). Notice that all three articles are written by women.

"D.O.A." (Bloodrock)

Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are sitting in a tent located in the desert area north of Mosul, their hands tied tightly behind their backs. Two Kurdish militia men stand guard outside. Saddam turns to Osama and says, "You think they'll turn us over to the Americans, Osama?" Osama nods and replies, "Yes, Saddam, probably so." Just then, a Jeep pulls up outside the tent. A surly looking militia commander enters the tent and regards the two men. "I have some good news for both of you." Saddam's eyes brighten. "You mean you're not going to turn us over to the Americans after all?" "No," the commander replies. "The Americans are on their way here right now." Osama winces and asks, "Then what's the good news?" The commander smiles and replies, "I just saved a load of money on Jeep insurance by switching to GEICO. P.S. FWIW, I sent this "commercial idea" into GEICO's marketing department for use in a possible future ad. Think they'll use it? Nah, hehe.