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Blues Writer Starter Kit


Umma

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1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Dillard's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you sleep in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

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"Woke up this morning..."

got yourself a gun...

momma always said you'd be...

the chosen one...

she said you're...

one in a million and you've got to...

burn to shine (shame about it)...

born under a bad sign, baby w/the blue moon in your eyes...'

1) oops, sorry: thought i was watching the sopranos

2) oops, sorry: one track mind an' all.

3) oops, sorry: like 'the big lebowski,' some things just set me off & ALABAMA 3 always does it. :P

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Woke up in the morning...

woke up with out my woman

out side the rain is pouring

inside to, house gots no roof

make me no breakfast

caz i gots 1 tooth...

(someone finish this song)

Woke up in the morning...

woke up with out my woman

out side the rain is pouring

inside to, house gots no roof

make me no breakfast

caz i gots 1 tooth...

Late to work, got another warnin'

Bossman sez, do this, do that

Too tired to get into 'notha spat

Outside, the clouds still pouring

Inside, brain is rotting

Boss is ranting and Im a plottin'

Came home, drenched and tired

Tv blaring, neighbors sparring

outside, rain still pouring

inside to, still gots no roof

make me no din-din

caz i gots i tooth

(someone takover, we need refrain)

Toothless Man...Im a toothelss man

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