Subject: Dealing with Women

[MikeHunt]

Subject: Dealing with Women

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when

dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will

help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of

romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman

happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she

dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any

points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game

is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.........-1

You leave the toilet seat up....................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow.......+8

but return with beer..............-5

and no liners............-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron........+10

It's her cat.............-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then

leave to chat with an old drinking buddy......-2

Named Tiffany....................-4

Tiffany is a dancer...............-10

With breast implants............-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday...........0

You buy a card and flowers..........0

You take her out to dinner......... 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar...........-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is

painted the colors of your favorite team........-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a friend............................0

The friend is happily married....................+1

The friend is single.............................-7

He drives a Ferrari........................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

"It's called Death Cop 3."...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and

baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "no, I think it's your a$$ ".........-100

Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0

You listen, for over 30 minutes...........+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying

"Well,what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV......+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

:gigglin:

[rainbowdemon]

[DudeAsInCool]

I guess this is on topic:

[DudeAsInCool]

More on the subject :P

[DudeAsInCool]

Last but not least:

[Potato]

We're not that evil. I promise.

[DudeAsInCool]

Im hiding for cover from the women--I thought for sure you all would bring out the emoticon guns!

[jipper]

i like womens boobs

[Potato]

:Here's to you: :shootin:

[jipper]

:horny:

[DudeAsInCool]

[MikeHunt]

DAIC....you are a brave man!

[Umma]

We're not that evil. I promise.

Speak for yourself potato....

this is war !!

:shootin: :duck hunt:

[rainbowdemon]

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

[DudeAsInCool]

....this is war !! 

Dude cowers from Umma!

[Umma]

:P

[ASUmusicMAN]

alright...if you really want the best best BEST truiest thing about men and women check out the ladder theory...veeeeery interesting

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

[DudeAsInCool]

Re: Ladder Theory

Criticism:I have lots of male friends who would never think of me that way blah blah blah.

Answer:Your friend doesn't find you attractive, or he's currently doing better, or he's gay or you're wrong.

Criticism:That's not true

Answer:Yes it is.

:frog:

[deb]

.... Remember, in the world of romance ....

... well, speaking of romance ... i thought some of these were kinda ... ummm ... unique?? interesting??? ... :rolleyes:

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime

[CTC Command]

I think the ladder theory just about sums it all up...

[slum_goddess]

:P :P :P

[slum_goddess]

hmmpf. ;)

[Umma]

[Crazy Diamond]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[MikeHunt]

hmmmmm ...ladder theory...v. interesting