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BLACK LIVES MATTER! ×
BLACK LIVES MATTER!
Shawn

A Place For Terrible Jokes

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Some of those are almost as funny as you capping the spammer a minute ago. :lol:

I gave him to the count of 10 :lol:

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I gave him to the count of 10 :lol:

I can't believe that mofo was up past midnight spammin' a music board. :lol:

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I can't believe that mofo was up past midnight spammin' a music board. :lol:

He may be back :sad: I only suspended him ... for 1000 days B)

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Sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘Hunting Flies’, he responded.

‘Oh! Killing any?’, she asked.

‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, ‘How can you tell them apart?’

He responded, ‘3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!’

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Menstrual jokes are the lowest form of comedy. Period. B)

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That one was so cheap and so beautiful that it deserves to be remembered always.

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Menstrual jokes are the lowest form of comedy. Period. B)

This stoner went to a bar. He hasn`t had any weed in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her.He says 'Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i dont get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and maybe uh, get it on.' She looked up at the stoner and said - 'I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle.' The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second -' it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda. '...

post-193-1256624220_thumb.jpg

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This stoner went to a bar. He hasn`t had any weed in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her.He says 'Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i dont get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and maybe uh, get it on.' She looked up at the stoner and said - 'I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle.' The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second -' it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda. '...

Oh, those bloody cycles :wink:

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The Doctor's Office via NJFun

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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FISHING WITH JACK DANIELS

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while

I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth,

and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him

right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in hiss mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without

incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later I felt a

nudge on my foot.

There was that darn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, "I will give you $1000 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him shocked and said, "Hell no!" He said, "I'll be real quick; I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up!" She thought for a moment and told him that she had to ask her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask the guy for $2000. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won't even have time to get his pants down!" She agreed and accepts the proposal. 2 hours go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend to call back. Finally after another fifteen minutes he calls and asks, "What the hell happened?!" Heavily panting, she managed to reply, "It's all in quarters!"

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A frequent visitor of a prostitute was getting bored so he asked her if there was anything new and experimental he could try. She said yes and pulling a fake eyeball out of her head told him to screw the socket. Appalled but at the same time strangely curious he obliged and found the experience amazing and enormously satisying.

He asked her if he could see her again.

She replied, "Sure Honey, I'll keep an eye out for you."

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I haven't been able to see the rest of this site. I've been stuck here for 27 pages! :lol:

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[quote name='H82typ' date='02 June 2010 - 09:56 AM' timestamp='1275497775' post='189272']
I haven't been able to see the rest of this site. I've been stuck here for 27 pages! :lol:
[/quote]


: :tongue: Thanx. Glad someone is reading. We will have to update this thread more often.

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Via Reddit:

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him...

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? A: Catnip!

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[font="Times"][size="2"][size="2"][list][*][color="#0000FF"][size="2"][url="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/czrwf/im_22_deaf_and_am_having_my_right_leg_amputated/"]I'm 22, deaf, and am having my right leg amputated next week. Entertain me with some jokes about 1-legged deaf people.[/url] [color="#888888"][size="2"]([url="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/"]self.AskReddit[/url] [/size][/color][/size][/color]I need some ammo for cracking jokes on myself when I'm released from the hospital.[/list]

[/size] [font="verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"][size="2"] [/size][/font][size="2"]Wow, healthcare prices have really come down. Hospital stays used to cost an arm and a leg
[/size]

[size="2"]I can see the headline now: "Healthcare Prices Have Amputees Hopping Mad
[/size]
[size="2"]Can you prove it? I don't think you have a leg to stand on.[/size]

[size="2"]A: What do you call a 1 legged deaf girl?

B: What?

A: Ilene.

B: What?

A: Ilene. Like "I lean" ... you know, because she only has one leg?

B: What?

[/size]

[size="2"]A: Where does she work?

B: What?

A: IHOP.

B: What?

A: Fucking, nevermind.

B: ...

[/size][url="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/czrwf/im_22_deaf_and_am_having_my_right_leg_amputated/"]Read More Jokes HERE[/url]
[/size][/font]

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*gasp* Where'd you get that? :lol:

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[quote name='H82typ' date='22 August 2010 - 06:38 PM' timestamp='1282527534' post='190457']
*gasp* Where'd you get that? :lol:
[/quote]

Click the link in the post above - the guy actually had his amputation today [img]http://www.beatking.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/sad.gif[/img]


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*prays he makes it through*

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[quote name='H82typ' date='23 August 2010 - 01:39 PM' timestamp='1282595951' post='190470']
*prays he makes it through*
[/quote]

Here is his followup post. I think the guy has a helluva positive attitude!
[font="verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"][size="4"][color="#0000FF"][size=2][font="arial, verdana, tahoma, sans-serif"][size="3"][color="#000000"][size=3]
[/size][/color][/size][/font][/size][/color][/size][/font]
[font="verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"][color="#0000FF"][size="3"]Doctors cut my leg off, but I'm still deaf! What gives? Posting a much requested followup.
[/size][/color][/font]
[font="verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"][color="#0000FF"][size="3"][url="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d459b/doctors_cut_my_leg_off_but_im_still_deaf_what/"]Read Comments HERE[/url]
[/size][/color][/font]

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Yeah, i'm never gonna bitch about my life again.

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Bathroom humor

And as I once read in a bathroom in Barstone, "The joke is in your hands." [img]http://www.beatking.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif[/img]


Whether ur low on pressure, or short on meat
Stand a little closer, dont piss on your feet!!

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[font=Helvetica, Arial,]A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

[/font]

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