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BLACK LIVES MATTER! ×
BLACK LIVES MATTER!

A Place For Terrible Jokes


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Two weeks ago, the kids and I went on a trip to visit friends in San Antonio, Texas. On the way we stopped at a rest area just off the interstate. What happened next made me very uneasy...

kharma's diary :: ::

I was drinking coffee heavily so that I would stay awake and needed to relieve myself pretty badly. I pulled into a rest area, locked the car doors, left the kids sleeping in the car, and went into the restroom. When I entered I noticed it was unoccupied except for a pair of sneakers visible under the second stall.

As I unzipped at one of the urinals and began to relieve my burning bladder I heard a voice say "Hey, what's up?". I looked around and there was no one else in the restroom. After a moments hesitation, I answered "Not much".

A little time went by and he says, "What ya doing?".

I didn't feel very comfortable talking to someone in a stall but I didn't want to be rude and answered, "Uh...we are heading to San Antonio to visit friends."

"Want to come over?", he says.

At this point I am really uncomfortable and I finish up and scoot over to the sink to wash up. "No I don't think so.", I replied. Wow, was this something else. I had never even had someone next to me with a wide stance before and now I've got someone in the stall asking me over!

As I reached for the paper towels to dry my hands I hear, "Hey man, can I call you back? There's some asshole in the bathroom answering every thing I say."

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home".

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  • 3 months later...

Lifted from Digg:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is

driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman

leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next

corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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Lifted from Digg:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is

driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman

leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next

corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

BeatKing.com > Lounge > Kickin' it > Comedy Club > A Place For Terrible Jokes

Definitely in the right place. :lol:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.

The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Redneck walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.'

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Redneck walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.'

:lol:

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My wife says she is gonna kick the shit out all of y'all. :lol:

all I can say is keep your health insurance card handy. :popcorn:

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If men wrote m4w ads like women wrote w4m ads

Date: 2008-02-27, 8:51AM MST

Best of Craigslist

Isn't it funny how most w4m ads are like checklists of requirements. These women think finding a guy is like ordering a sandwich - a little more height please, easy on the love of sports, and can you throw in a weekend house in the mountains and a willingness to support some other guy's children?

If men wrote their m4w ads the same way, we would expect to see something like this:

Looking to meet the woman of my dreams. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. I love big TV's, big trucks, baseball caps, and wife-beater tanks. I love going out with my friends to get drunk at strip clubs too. I'm looking for a nice woman who is not looking to jump into a relationship too soon but who knows what it means to be sexy and take care of her partner. Please no BBW's (sorry) but you won't look good on my arm when I wear a white t-shirt.

You must love dogs and my beer can collection, my dogs, my cans, and I are a package, so if you're not into them then please move on. I like to let all 6 of my dogs sleep in my bed with me, so hopefully you don't have a problem with that.

Deal breakers:

likes to shop too much

obsessed with height (i am short)

fat

talks about yourself too much

neediness

always wanting to talk about the relationship

small breasts (sorry, there is nothing sexier than grabbing onto a nice pair)

doesnt like to cook for her man

bossiness

nagging

always wanting to get up early in the morning

fat

intolerance of me and my habits

pressure to have kids

Turn ons:

thin

large breasts (very sexy)

quiet

beer drinker

has her own friends and won't try to make me watch chick flicks

smells good

likes football

doesn't expect me to pay all the time

intelligent but not too intelligent (i dont like nerdy girls)

rich father

thin

doesn't have a relationship calendar, i.e. doesnt wonder after 3 months if we are going in the right direction.

Can you find me a woman like that??? LOL

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  • 1 month later...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our three-month-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard... "Poupon."

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".

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  • 1 month later...

Jokes posted in a thread on Reddit:

two peanuts walk down an alley. one is a salted. (say it aloud)."

Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he's ready to play.

"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?"

The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"

What's the worst part about four black guys driving off of a cliff in a Cadillac?

They were my friends.

There are two muffins in an oven. One says, "damn it's hot in here." The other says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin."

What kind of Bee gives milk? A Boo-Bee.

Two muffins are in an oven. Looking in, Samuel L. Jackson exclaims "Who the fuck puts muffins in an oven?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh! (say it aloud)

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs, doing the dishes? Fucking amazing.

An old man and a little boy walk into the forest together at night. The little boy turns to the man and says, "Mister! I'm scared."

The old man says, "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

So a mushroom walks into a bar- The bartender says- hey! We don't serve your kind here!!

And the mushroom goes? Aw come on, relax, I'm a fungi!

(say it aloud)

So a mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!" The mushroom responds with "Aww, why not? I'm a fun guy!" The bartender then responds "First of all, you're a fungus, singular, secondly, get the fuck out."

A piece of string walks into a bar and hops on a stool. He says "Bartender, give me a drink!" and the bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The string walks out of the bar and starts messing up his hair all crazy like and walks back in, hops back up on the stool and says "Bartender, give me a drink!" and the bartender replies, "Aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" The string looks at him and says, "No, I'm afraid not." (say it aloud)

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  • 4 weeks later...

Me: “I have a tall mocha.”

Customer: “That’s me, thanks.”

Me: “Thanks! Have a good one!”

(She returns in less than a minute with a disgusted look on her face.)

Customer: “What is this?!”

Me: “That’d be a mocha latte.”

Customer: “Does it have espresso in it?”

Me: “Yes. ”

Customer: “Ugh, this is the worst thing I have EVER put in my mouth!”

Me, without a beat: “Ma’am, I highly doubt that.”

Source: Not Always Right

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I'VE GOT A FROG IN MY THROAT

Meaning: I'm hoarse from a cold.

Origin: Surprisingly, this wasn't inspired by the croaking sound of a cold-sufferer's voice, but by a weird medical practice. "In the Middle Ages," says Christine Ammer in It's Raining Cats and Dogs, "infections such as thrush were sometimes treated by putting a live frog head first into the patient's mouth; by inhaling, the frog was believed to draw the patient's infection into its own body. The treatment is happily obsolete, but its memory survives in the 19th century term frog in one's throat." :o

Read more at NeatORama's Origin Of Familiar Phrases

post-9-1218579660_thumb.jpg

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  • 4 weeks later...

Three blonde nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?

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A nervous high-school kid walks into a convenience store. He retreats the pharmacy section and then shuffles up to the cashier and throws a pack of Trojans on the counter.

"How much are these?" he asks, blushing furiously.

"Two dollars," the middle-aged cashier tells him. She looks uncomfortably like his mother.

The teen reaches into his jeans and puts two crumpled bills on the counter next to the condoms.

"I'm sorry," says the cashier, "but it's actually $2.09."

The looks like a startled animal. He just wants to be out of the store and done with this humiliation. "Why?" he asks.

"Well," says the woman, "that's two dollars plus tax."

The kid's face turns from red to white.

"Tacks? I thought you just rolled them on."

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Governor Palin's First Town Hall Meeting

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Governor Palin, there has been quite a bit of discussion about your perceived lack of foreign policy experience. And I want to give you your chance. If you could please respond to that criticism and give us specific skills that you think you have to bring to the White House to rebut that or mitigate that concern.

PALIN: Well, I think because I’m a Washington outsider that opponents are going to be looking for a whole lot of things that they can criticize and they can kind of try to beat the candidates here, who chose me as his partner, to kind of tear down the ticket. But as for foreign policy, you know, I think that I am prepared and I know that on January 20th, if we are so blessed as to be sworn into office as your president and vice president, certainly we’ll be ready. I’ll be ready. I have that confidence. I have that readiness.

And if you want specifics with specific policy or countries, go ahead and you can ask me. You can even play stump the candidate if you want to. But we are ready to serve.

:lol::lol::lol:

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The Devil & The Senator

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to

spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the

expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he

realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,

before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I

mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

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  • 2 weeks later...

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

For example, my Family Doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and I want you to know that she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy in every way.

When she walked into the examining room where I was sitting and waiting for her, she immediately told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I was a little shocked and surprised, and I sadly asked her why.

She said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you . . .'

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As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

For example, my Family Doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and I want you to know that she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy in every way.

When she walked into the examining room where I was sitting and waiting for her, she immediately told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I was a little shocked and surprised, and I sadly asked her why.

She said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you . . .'

You should have offered her a shot of this to relieve her fears :lol:

post-9-1226014288_thumb.jpg

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A son asks his father about how the world works and he tries to explain the government, corporations and working class using their family. The father says that the son represents the people. He says that he, himself is like the corporations because he makes the money in the household. He says that the mother is like the government because she keeps things in order. He says that the maid is the working class because of the work she does around the house. And that the son's baby brother is the future.

The little boy ponders about this as he goes to bed.

In the middle of the night, he finds his baby brother crying because the baby has shit himself and he's going around the house to find some help. He goes to his parents room to find the mother in there in a very deep sleep and is unable to wake her. He then goes to the maid's quarters and finds his father fucking the maid. Giving up at this point. He just goes back to sleep.

The next day his father asks his son if he understood the lesson he taught him yesterday. The son says, "Yes, I think so. While the government is not paying attention; the corporations are screwing the working class. The people are being ignored; and the future is in deep shit."

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Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he's ready to play.

"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?"

The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"

:lol::lol:

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How are robots born? When a dildo is inserted into a fleshlight. :lol:

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  • 1 month later...

The Worlds shortest fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you

marry me?', the girl said 'NO!', and the guy lived happily ever after and

rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and

drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he

wanted.

THE END

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