Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Welcome Guest!

Join us now to get access to all our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, and so, so much more. It's also quick and totally free, so what are you waiting for?

BLACK LIVES MATTER! ×
BLACK LIVES MATTER!

A Place For Terrible Jokes


Shawn

Recommended Posts

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Replies 412
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern

University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with

one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very

carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found

a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting

knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the

man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant

trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son. As

they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near

where Mbembe and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its

front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted

loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same

elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into

the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and threw him

against the railing, killing him instantly.

So it probably wasn't the same elephant.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

An Octopus walked into a bar and says " I can paly any musical Instrument you like"

Englishman hands him a guitar which he play better than Jimi Hendrix.

Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.

Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes - the octopus fumbles about for a few minutes and the scotsman says "Whats the matter can ye no play it"

The octopus says "Play it? Im gonna f**k her brains out once ive got her pyjamas off"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.

The pump attendant who knows nothing about Golf or Tiger Woods says "Top of the morning to yer sir"

Tiger nods and bends to pick up the nozzle to fill his car.

As he does so 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.

"What are they" asks the attendant

"They are called tees" replied tiger "They are for resting my balls on when i am driving"

"F**k me" says the Irishman "BMW think of everything"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

While playing a U2 concert recently, Bono asked the audience for total silence.

He then slowly started to clap his hands.

Every few seconds, Bono would clap his hands.

As the large audience listened in total silence, Bono put his lips to the microphone and whispered breathlessly: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the silence emerged a strong and steady, if somewhat tipsy, voice of a fan in the front row: "Well then stop fookin doing it then!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bar-room translations:

(Male to Male) “Excuse me.”

Get the hell out of the way.

(Male to Female) “Excuse me.”

I am going to grope you now.

(Female to Male) “Excuse me.”

Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.

(Female to Female) “Excuse me.”

Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a whore... get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

A woman dropped in unannounced at her son's house. Having knocked on the door she immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

And Momma Bear Said, "This Advice Is Too Friendly"

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to an earlier incident, all Sixth Avenue line trains are running over the Eighth Avenue line. Please be patient.

Confused tourist lady: What does that even mean? I don't understand.

Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the orange line you transfer at the next station like normal, but instead of going downstairs you just wait on that platform for the train you want.

Middle-aged woman across aisle: They're not orange line trains. It's the B, the D, the F and the V. Real New Yorkers don't call it the orange line.

Suit: Hey, lady, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

--E train approaching W 4th St

Source

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Here is something you car buffs probably didn't know.

Mike

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented

and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

Didn't know that, did ya..

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-

talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were

there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry

since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the

parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º -

turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,

where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million

but they wanted the recognition by having a label

"The Goldberg Air- Conditioner" on the dashboard of each

car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic,

and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs'

name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally

agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names

would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls,

the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".

There, now ya know it....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

an oldie, but goodie

post-9-1178591390_thumb.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Australian army!!

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.

Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin'on the farm! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am But I like sleeping in now, cuz

all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.

No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack nothin'!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but it's not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! >>At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the

back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya

like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of pi55!! You don't even

load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home

after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to

the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick beforeword gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Damn, Joe!! I wanna a date! Jill sounds like my kinda hoochie mama! :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you - I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How many jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, I'll just sit here in the dark, you never call, you never come over, who is going to see me. I'll just die here alone in silence.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was asked to take part and run in a charity marathon. I said "fuck off, I'm too busy!"

They said "C'mon, it's for spastics and blind people."

I thought to myself "Bloody hell, I could win this!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was asked to take part and run in a charity marathon. I said "fuck off, I'm too busy!"

They said "C'mon, it's for spastics and blind people."

I thought to myself "Bloody hell, I could win this!"

How did Helen Keller break her hands? She got locked in a closet and had to scream for help. (Sorry, I know the joke is in poor taste)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lawyers should never ask a Louisiana grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,

elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife

with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

The patient asked the doctor not to laugh while

discussing his problem.

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a

professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed

at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his

trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor

had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA

battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started

giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet

and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the

doctor.

"I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my

honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't

happen again.

Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied. .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"

(a tip of the hat to [email protected])

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know if you have to give credit when the joke is that old.

Let me check my netiquette guide.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.

"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5. The same goes if you ask me something I don't know." The blonde refused.

"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don’t know an answer, I pay you $50." The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first. "What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.

"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.

"So, what is it?"

The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill to the lawyer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Our picks

    • Wait, Burning Man is going online-only? What does that even look like?
      You could have been forgiven for missing the announcement that actual physical Burning Man has been canceled for this year, if not next. Firstly, the nonprofit Burning Man organization, known affectionately to insiders as the Borg, posted it after 5 p.m. PT Friday. That, even in the COVID-19 era, is the traditional time to push out news when you don't want much media attention. 
      But secondly, you may have missed its cancellation because the Borg is being careful not to use the C-word. The announcement was neutrally titled "The Burning Man Multiverse in 2020." Even as it offers refunds to early ticket buyers, considers layoffs and other belt-tightening measures, and can't even commit to a physical event in 2021, the Borg is making lemonade by focusing on an online-only version of Black Rock City this coming August.    Read more...
      More about Burning Man, Tech, Web Culture, and Live EventsView the full article
      • 0 replies
    • Post in What Are You Listening To?
      Post in What Are You Listening To?
    • Post in What Are You Listening To?
      Post in What Are You Listening To?
    • Post in What Are You Listening To?
      Post in What Are You Listening To?
    • Post in What Are You Listening To?
      Post in What Are You Listening To?
×
×
  • Create New...