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BLACK LIVES MATTER! ×
BLACK LIVES MATTER!

A Place For Terrible Jokes


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A K-State student was stopped by a game warden at Tuttle Creek Lake recently. The student had two ice chests full of fish. The game warden, a KU grad, asked him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir, I don't have a license. These are my pet fish," replied the Wildcat. "Every night I take my fish out to Tuttle Creek and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take them home."

The warden said, "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The K-Stater looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you, it really works."

"OK, I've GOT to see this!" responded the warden.

The K-Stater poured the fish into Tuttle Creek and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!" yelled the game warden.

"What fish?"

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Child 1: Mom, why am I named Lily?

Mom: Because when you were born, a lily petal drifted down and landed on your head.

Child 2: Mom, why am I named Rose?

Mom: Because when you were born, a rose petal drifted down and landed on your head.

Child 3 - makes gurgling noise and gestures

Mom: Shut up, cinder block!

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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor, Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep !"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun) :lol:

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea" He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you fucking crazy??? Now we don't have any money left at all!!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into a bar where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out the door.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "Is that right, eh?, well how do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the third pub"

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  • 3 weeks later...

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally, realising what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN! ... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

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A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"

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I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

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A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school. The final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously putting it back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job, by the way. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really.

Then, I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all while reaching through the muffler."

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A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

After she had the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

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A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

"It doesn't work!" she yelled.

"What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"

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Smooth male pickup lines:

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

3) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.

4) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

5) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

- "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

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Subject: Headache

HEADACHE REMEDY

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed

when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my

penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's

up to you."

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A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

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The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

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Two little boys talking:

I'm getting operated on tomorrow

Oh? What are they going to do?

Circumcise me!

I had that done when I was just a few days old.

Did it hurt?

I couldn't walk for a year!

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A man goes home after a hard days work to find his girlfriend was packed her bags and is walking out the door.

"I'm leaving you and I'm never coming back" she says.

"Why? WHY? What did I do wrong?" he asks.

"I've heard you're a paedophile and it makes me sick"

He looks into her eyes and says "Paedophile eh? That's an awwwwwfully big word for a 10 year old"

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Drug addicts in Yorkshire are getting a quicker 'hit' by injecting the drug 'E' directly into their mouth. They call it E-by-gum......

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A man walks up to a woman at a bar and asks her name.

"Carmen” she said.

“Oh, that’s nice. Is it a family name?”

“No” she replies sarcastically. “I gave it to myself, it represents to the two things I love most in this world, cars and men."

"What's your name?” she asks.

“Golftits”

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